


Sweater Weather (Uncut/Unedited)

by creme



Category: Free!
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Getting Back Together, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-07
Updated: 2015-11-07
Packaged: 2018-04-30 12:52:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 23,678
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5164508
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/creme/pseuds/creme
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Makoto loses his cardinal traits to heartbreak.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. How It Hurts When

**Author's Note:**

> ****This is a repost of the original as some of you wanted. From here on in everything will look almost exactly like it did before I took it down. Sighs****
> 
> I got into a weird mood where I started reading angst written by all of you wonderful people out there, and then I decided that I also wanted to join the inflict pain on Makoto the angel club.
> 
> So, this will be a little bit more experimental than my other works, please let me know what you think.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Makoto loses his cardinal traits to heartbreak.

 

Winter came in through the bones. The chill made itself known in the deepest recesses of his body, and he could feel it creeping under his blankets, into his bed. He'd toss and turn at the discomfort of being just cold enough to be uncomfortable, but not cold enough to be jolted from sleep. A few days later, he'd pulled out an extra blanket. Then winter felt like a memory. It enveloped and hung in the air, its presence blissfully ignored by a Makoto who'd found solace in his blankets. A pocket, a cocoon, a shelter from the chill.

Winter wasn't uncomfortable. It was cold. Cold like a heavy spear which shattered through facades and hit right in the most vulnerable spaces. The kind of cold that left you shivering even though you'd warmed up. The kind of cold you slept through just fine, but were paralyzed by when you woke.

That was the cold of Makoto's heart.

So he fancied he liked winter. Like the dull chill that had long settled over him and left his world shades of grey and frosty blue, winter reminded him that he could still feel things. The chilly air bit at his skin and he could feel. He could remember.

Sadness was like that too. It could be there and not say a word. A silent companion who lent nothing but its weight. And yet sometimes, when the winter cold started biting at his skin, sadness would start biting at his heart too.

And to him those were the most precious. The moments, ephemeral, transient. Just pangs, or small recollections. A few seconds where his heart would scream, and he'd be joyously happy that it still could. And then it would die down again. And so would he. He'd disappear back into his lostness, not knowing anything about how one went about being alive. How one knew to want things or feel things.

。。。

Something about that morning screamed. It screamed and it warned and it panicked. Yet he wasn't paying attention to those because he'd long forgotten that the world sometimes tried to tell you things—that your gut knew best. Because what reason was there? What was there in his life for him to care about the things the world was going to show him, the things his gut could tell would happen. There was nothing. 

He'd long since stopped waking up only to choke down tears about the absence of another body in his bed. After six month he'd slowly collected the doubles of everything lying around the apartment. Cups, toothbrushes, old underwear, shared t-shirts. 

He'd tossed them all. 

He'd bought all new clothes. Changed part time jobs, stopped talking to anyone who had known him, and created a whole new world for himself. He still lived in their old apartment, but he took refuge in the fact that it looked nothing like when they'd lived in it together, not anymore. 

And then somewhere along the way he'd forgotten. He had put it to the back of his mind, the deepest part of his subconscious. He could no longer feel tinges of pain when something he saw reminded him of him because his brain had learned to bypass those associations. 

So when the morning screamed, he wasn't alarmed by it. He just went about his day, cleaned, dusted, ate and headed to work. 

。。。

Leaving Makoto had been something he'd chosen to do. When his shoulder had finally healed, a world that had previously shut its gates to him had opened them once more. He was overwhelmed by it. At first he couldn't understand the possibilities. All of the things he had not even dared to dream of were now available to him and as the dreams broadened, the words of his best friend began to call him. 

It started with practices. He'd practiced incessantly until his shoulder had given, but this time his goals were not as desperate. Or maybe they were, but health was just a part of them. He divided his time between swimming, school, and therapy, cautiously insuring that not even the smallest detail was overlooked. 

It also meant he'd see his sweet faced lover much less, but he hoped the other could bear with it. He put all of his own efforts into swimming and when time came for it, they saw each other less and less. Meeting once a week turned into seeing each other twice a month. Even though they lived together, he'd only find time to come home to sleep and leave once again before the other had woken. 

Towards the end when Makoto had realized what was happening and become desperate to keep him in his life, he would wake up when Sousuke stirred and offer himself to him in the morning. In the beginning, Sousuke found it adorable, but soon enough it had turned into a cause for irritation. He started finishing Makoto off and leaving, and eventually stopped coming back to the apartment. He had a life outside of them, and Makoto needed to understand that. 

The final blow came a few weeks before Sousuke was off to meet Rin and Haru before Olympic qualifiers. He had come home to pack a few of his things for his trip when Makoto had walked in on him and completely misunderstood, because Sousuke hadn't breathed a word about it to him. He'd fallen to his knees in tears and cried while the other packed. When he'd finally calmed down enough to manage words, Sousuke had felt bad, but had also emotionally distanced himself. He didn't offer an explanation to Makoto's questions, and ignored his begging for him to stay. He'd calmly explained that he was leaving, and that he didn't expect to come back. He hoped that Makoto would move on, and also that he was leaving the apartment to him in exchange for Makoto helping him throw out his things. 

He imagined Makoto had cried, but what he'd been put through for the last few years had him wishing to see the other again. He wondered what their meeting would be like, and whether Makoto would be angry, or sad, or happy. Whether he had kept a place for him, and how to make a place for himself if he hadn't. 

All in all he hadn't expected what he did return to. 

。。。

Makoto had gone through the day conducting the functions of an average human being. He'd been nice to children, amiable to his coworkers, done his work and left after his boss had. It was about 8PM and he was meeting up with some of his friends that night. They usually ended up eating a meal, taking a few drinks, and then fucking the daylights out of each other at Makoto's apartment and today was going to be no different. 

They came over as usual, gave him pecks on his lips as they walked in and talked about their days and their lives. The two of them had taken pity on Makoto when they'd met him getting drunk in bars a few times, and their casual relationship had continued from there. They had helped him phase from entirely self-destructive, to mildly masochistic and they adored spending time with him. In fact, they were fonder of him than he realized, and had taken to slowly guiding him and taking care of him. The two had been coworkers beforehand and seemed to have no romantic feelings for each other, but Makoto had brought them together in a way they couldn't quite understand. He was sweet faced and hurt, and brought out the caretakers in both of them. 

Today, as usual, the three of them ate their dinner and then ended up in bed. Makoto enjoyed being with them. It was different from sex in a loving relationship, but he couldn't remember sex like that anymore—he didn't know if he'd even ever had it. He had started out this relationship when he had been wishing to completely corrupt every memory he had of Sousuke. He'd had two strangers fuck him senseless in the bed they'd shared and given his body to the pleasure. Somewhere along the way he'd realized he was hurting no one but himself, but the two had stuck around and eventually wooed his heart and body. They were great friends, even better bed partners and Makoto enjoyed their company. They had learned his body and were considerate of his feelings, and in their company, sometimes he remembered what it felt like to enjoy himself or feel thankful for something. 

The three of them hadn't met up in a while and so they were going slowly. Makoto was sitting in Akira's lap and Reiichi was teasing his nipples and rubbing Makoto's cock against his own. The sexual activity was punctuated by laughter and giggling because the three were usually extremely playful with each other. When Akira had entered Makoto from behind, Reiichi supported Makoto from the front. 

They were both big and muscular, but in ways different from the man Makoto had long stopped remembering. They were warm and open, and Makoto had been saved by them. When they had sex, a slow calm fell over Makoto. Much like the calm he felt when he was surrounded by blankets on a cold morning. He wanted to indulge in the feeling and stay with them, and they always indulged him back. 

After Akira had entered, the three of them had gotten more desperate. Makoto was moaning and giggling and Reiichi was kissing him senseless. Akira was starting to pick up the pace when suddenly the door burst open. 

Everyone stopped what they were doing to see who had entered the house when suddenly Reiichi was being pushed aside and Makoto was being pulled from Akira. The two were surprised until Makoto opened his mouth. His eyes had widened and his jaw had dropped.

"Sou-sousuke."

It took less than a second for both Reiichi and Akira to react. Reiichi had knocked Sousuke a good one and Akira had somehow managed to take Sousuke by his collar and pin him against the wall. 

"Some nerve you have coming back here." 

Neither of them were supposed to know about Sousuke so Makoto was surprised at their reactions. Sousuke hadn't expected anyone besides Makoto to be in, so when he'd heard the voices coming from the their room, he'd barged in without considering anything.

Reiichi had returned to Makoto's side and put a protective arm over his shoulder. Though Makoto was not reacting in the moment, he was thankful to the arm and had melted into the embrace. Sousuke could only eye them angrily. 

"I'd appreciate it if you let go of me now. This is my apartment, and I entered with my own keys." 

"And I'm telling you to leave. Seems Mako-chan forgot to have the locks changed." 

"Sousuke, why are you here?" Makoto broke into the conversation as he gathered himself. The years had changed him, and a thing like this wasn't anywhere near enough to shake him. Nothing was. 

He rubbed the arm around him as if to reassure Reiichi that he was going to be alright, and picked up his clothes from the places they'd been tossed. As he dressed himself, Sousuke was in shock at how nonchalantly Makoto was dealing with the situation. 

He tossed some clothes at Akira. "You should get dressed too Aki." He looked at Reiichi, "Icchan." As the two began to dress, Makoto signaled at the door. "Let's talk in the living room." 

。。。

When they were all settled in the living room, Sousuke was extremely unhappy. He was sitting on a chair from the dining table, icing his face while Reiichi and Akira had sat themselves on the couch, snuggling an all too naturally comfortable Makoto between them. Akira was holding one of Makoto's hands, and Makoto was leaning slightly into Reiichi's body.

Though Sousuke seemed unhappy, the support felt natural to Makoto. The three had known each other for six years now, and had had an emotionally intimate relationship for 5. That was longer than Makoto and Sousuke had been together, and Makoto treasured the men that were holding him now. 

He never thought back to his and Sousuke's relationship, but if figured if he had, he was sure he'd find that Akira and Reiichi had given him more love and caring than Sousuke ever did. What he was doing back at the apartment he'd left so heartlessly was beyond Makoto, but Makoto was okay now. He was okay, so he'd get to the bottom of this, move on, and continue to live his life supported by his friends. 

Sousuke broke the silence. 

"I tried to get in contact with you before coming."

Akira sneered at him. "Yes Sherlock, people are known to change their phone numbers every few years." 

Sousuke ignored him. "I talked to your old job, but you weren't there anymore. I came because I wasn't notified of the lease on this apartment ending so I thought it might still be here. That you might still be here." 

The words hung in the air. Reiichi and Akira were edging to give Sousuke a piece of their minds, but sat silenced by the look on Makoto's face. Sousuke was highly concerned by it as it was a look he'd never seen before. 

。。。

Makoto had always been sweet and easy going. He would love those around him and care for those who needed it. He had had an especially strong bond with Haru, but with Haru having gone away with Rin and being on a different timezone, they had slowly lost contact with each other. Makoto had tried to continue their relationship, made time to chat with him at odd hours, tried to keep up with his life, but Haru hadn't reciprocated. At some point, hurt as he had been, he had had to accept that even the closest of friends would move on. 

At that time, Sousuke and Makoto often saw each other. Sousuke had been struggling with his plans for the future and his recovering shoulder and had approached Makoto. Makoto was the type to care for people, and Sousuke had been attracted by that. He had needed the support, and when he'd gotten the support he'd become attached to the person giving it. He'd convinced Makoto to become involved with him and slowly made himself into an irreplaceable presence in Makoto's life. They had supported each other, and soon Sousuke's shoulder was well on its way to healing and Makoto had begun to understand his own relationships with others. Haru would come back eventually and he'd be a friend for him then. For now, he had someone important in his own life and he wanted to give his all to that person. He understood because he understood Haru's feelings. 

During the two years they were together, Makoto was open, loving, and accommodating. He hadn't initially been in love with Sousuke, but when the other had fallen, Makoto had reciprocated by falling deeply. He wanted to treasure Sousuke's feelings for him, and he did so in every way he could. He changed his path of studies so he could help take care of Sousuke's health, and cut back on his part time hours so they could spend time together. He'd even moved in with Sousuke when he'd asked, and taken care of the things around the house. 

He thought their bond was strong, built on trust, understanding, and needing each other. But he had been wrong. And with being wrong about that, it was as if his whole world had been turned upside down. As if everything he'd thought to be good and true had been an illusion. When he came out of the chaos that the shock had caused, he settled quietly, solemnly, into a new world view. His warm smiles turned into business smiles, his open and caring nature turned defensive and selfish. The changes were subtle though, and only those who had known him before could see the cracked veneer of the angelic boy he used to be. 

With the change also came a certain fierceness. Makoto had closed himself off in ways that led him to depend on blunt assertiveness to keep himself together. And that's what Sousuke was seeing in the moment. A blunt, assertive, down to business face that suggested that tonight was not going to go well. 

。。。

"And why do you need to see me?" Makoto's voice was calm, not cold, but almost metallic. Solid and impenetrable. 

Sousuke opened his mouth to speak a few times, and closed it again. When words finally came out, Akira and Reiich clicked their tongues disapprovingly in the empty air left behind.

"I-uh..I was wrong. A lot of things happened while I was away and I realized how wrong I was, and how badly I treated you." 

The silence was heavy, and though Sousuke had been afraid of a tear fest, he was terrified now that there wasn't any signs of one.

"So you thought that you could come back to me and I'd be the same person who'd loved you so blindly all those years ago?" 

"No I—"

"You thought you could come back, and you'd have to kiss my ass for a bit before I relented and became the same sweetheart who had taken each and every one of your feelings seriously, who'd put himself out on a limb to follow each of your whimsies." Makoto laughed. "Selfishness suits you quite well, though, I suppose."

"I didn't think that. I thought that more than anyone, maybe with you I'd always have a place. I hoped maybe you'd still love me even a little." Sousuke was panicking. He was sad, horrified even, because of what he'd come back to find. 

Makoto's face didn't change. "I gather you don't have a place to stay. Get settled, I'll start looking for a place tomorrow." 

Sousuke's face contorted in protest but Akira spoke first. "What! Don't move because of this asshole! Come to my place tonight!" 

Makoto laughed. "Don't worry so much Aki-chan. I'll be alright. I'm sorry about having to cut tonight short." 

Akira had gotten up and Makoto got up after him. Reiichi followed them to the door and as everyone got their shoes on Sousuke felt like a fly on a wall. Reiichi had leaned over to give Makoto a kiss, and to Sousuke's surprise Makoto had leaned into it and smiled. He'd given one to Akira after, and the two had scowled in Sousuke's direction before they had left. 

When it was just Makoto and Sousuke in the apartment, Makoto smiled. 

"You look good though." 

Without saying anything more, he grabbed a blanket from a closet and laid himself down on the couch. "I'll have a busy day tomorrow so I'm going to sleep. You can use the bed, or sleep wherever." 

Sousuke wanted to burn the bed, like hell he would sleep on it. He wanted to say something, but words weren't coming out.  _Had he really fucked up that badly?_ Of course he had. He really had, and it had taken him this sight to realize it. 

He gingerly walked over to where Makoto was lying and whispered, "Don't.. Don't leave. Don't move. I came back to be with you." 

Makoto opened his eyes but the look he gave Sousuke was unsettling. 

"Sure, we can be together." 

He got up and walked towards the room, undressing on his way. Sousuke followed uncomfortably, unsure of what was happening. Makoto laid himself on the bed and opened his legs. "Alright, get yourself hard and get it done. What's me opening my legs for you a few more times?" 

A single tear rolled down Sousuke's eyes and a suffocated cry left his lips as he turned on his heels and ran to the living room, slamming the bedroom door behind him. Makoto stretched himself in bed and fell asleep, the sounds of Sousuke's sobs vaguely audible through the closed door. 

Makoto felt vaguely cold, but he must have been tired, because he drifted into a heavy, completely black sleep. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WHAT HAVE I DONE???!??!?!?!?
> 
> Please keep this SouMako separate from my other ones hehe. There'll be more chapters to this coming soon, so don't worry. By soon, I mean like tonight! Or tomorrow, idk.  
> Also they'll work it out, I promise, so if this managed to bother you, please keep your heart still <3


	2. The Words You Sing When We Touch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sousuke turns into a tearful mess, Makoto remembers how exhausting feelings are.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A continuation! This one is less painful (maybe)...

There was something different about touch. Seeing something, hearing it, smelling it—whatever, they could only convey so much. Of course they could only convey what they were meant to convey, but the things that only touch could convey were miraculous. Wondrous. 

Makoto had found himself lying in bed, giddy at what he'd just done, wrapped up in a sleeping Sousuke's arms. Tonight was the first night he had learned of what touch was capable of conveying. From the way Sousuke had run his arms down Makoto's body, to the way he'd licked Makoto's chest, stomach, the inside of his thighs... Makoto blushed when he thought about it, and yet the way he was being held in that moment was enough to thrust him right back into his state of wonder. 

Sousuke had begged for Makoto to let him do it. He'd promised that Makoto would understand once he'd given Sousuke a chance to show him how he felt. As he lay there, Makoto understood exactly what Sousuke had been talking about. The way that touching could communicate things nothing else possibly could. 

So when they'd stopped touching as much, Makoto knew exactly where they were headed. The rare times that they did touch intimately, Sousuke just wasn't in it. At first Makoto had tried to attribute it to exhaustion, and then there came to be times when he'd try to seduce Sousuke only to have him refuse to take off his clothes. Makoto would still take his own off, hoping to inspire some lust—anything to elicit some interest. He had tried to entice him with blowjobs, but would end up having to pleasure himself to finish, after Sousuke had come in his mouth and left. Other times, he tried to get on top so they could have proper sex, but since Sousuke had stopped undressing, he'd roll Makoto off of himself when he finished and leave. Even then Makoto tried again and again, just in case the power of touch could help him convey his feelings. Just in case, every time they touched, Sousuke might be able to feel how much he meant to Makoto, how much Makoto wanted him, how much he absolutely needed him. 

When Sousuke stopped coming back to the apartment, Makoto couldn't sleep. He'd lie in bed all night, waiting for the door to open quietly, and for his lover to sneak into their bed. For his breathing to lull him into the safety of sleep. 

Instead, he'd return home to signs that he'd been in and out while Makoto was gone. He tried to tell himself he was just busy, but his texts had stopped coming and phone calls only reached his answering machine. 

When Makoto had walked in on him packing his bags, he'd burst into tears because he'd expected it. Because somewhere in his heart, he had readied himself for tears. 

The weeks after had been pure hell. Makoto would wake up with tears in his eyes, having slept clutching one of the shirts Sousuke had left behind, and he'd go to sleep clutching a fresh one unsoiled by tears. He would touch himself while clutching Sousuke's clothes, imagining scenarios in which he came back, apologized, and made love to him till the sun came up. 

One of the last times he'd done it, he'd gathered all of the blankets in the apartment. He'd layered them on top of himself and repeated his ritual with one of Sousuke's abandoned clothes. He'd gone at it until he had passed out, and when he'd woken in the morning, the heat from the blankets had fooled him into thinking that Sousuke was in bed with him, that the whole thing had been a horrific dream. But when he'd turned over to greet him, he'd fallen flat into the empty space that marked Sousuke's side of the bed and been brought back to reality in one sick jolt. 

He'd cried in bed all day. Forgotten all about his classes and his job. 

And with that, something had broken inside of him. 

。。。

As Makoto's consciousness slowly fluttered in and out in the morning, he was aware of an intense heat in his bed. Absentmindedly, he started throwing off his blankets, trying to escape the source of it when he turned around and smacked right into Sousuke. 

Oh.

As Makoto remembered the events of the day before, he was struck by the irony of Sousuke's presence in his bed. He was nursing dark circles around his eyes and seemed to have cried himself to sleep. The years really didn't show even a bit on his classically handsome face, and his body seemed to have filled out even more. It was the body of a full-grown man. It didn't elicit any reaction from Makoto though. As he shifted to make his way out of bed, the sleeping man reached to grab Makoto's wrist. 

He had opened his eyes and was wearing a pleading look. 

"Stay with me. I want to talk."

Makoto was unwavering in his apathy, "We can talk in the living room."

。。。

When they were seated in the living room and eating their breakfast, Sousuke couldn't help but notice how Makoto hadn't prepared his share. It stabbed at his heart and at the same time he wondered how much worse he actually deserved. Sousuke had found some things around the kitchen and thrown them together to get some energy running into his body. As he had done so, he'd noticed odd articles lying around the kitchen and bathroom. Ostensibly things that belonged to the two from last night. He'd felt a pang of discomfort that threatened to turn into anger, but sadness overwhelmed that emotion. Out of all of the things that hurt him, the most was that Makoto had so spectacularly moved on. 

As Sousuke thought about these things, Makoto spoke. "I'll spend today packing my things. I'll move into Aki's place tonight. It's about time, too, I guess." 

Sousuke's immediate response was anger, the next was an urge to command him to stay. When he was finally able to get past all of the inappropriate emotions, he managed to ask, "Who were they? What's your relationship with them?" 

At first, Makoto felt that he needn't respond, but then decided that he had to stand up for his own choices. He wouldn't insult his lovely partners by treating them as some stain on his life. 

"They're my partners." 

"Both of them?"

"Yes, both of them." 

"You're in love with them?" 

"I love them very much. They've been with me through many things, and supported me through all of them. We're not in a conventional relationship, but what we have is just as real as anything. Probably more real than some things." 

The last jab was not lost on Sousuke, but neither was the fact that Makoto had said he loved them and not that he was in love with them. There was a difference as far as Sousuke was concerned and he was going to use any leverage he could get. 

"They seem like good people. But they hated me." 

"Yeah I'm not sure why they knew who you were either. Maybe they heard some drunken stories early on and I don't even remember talking about it. I guess I'll ask tonight." 

Sousuke felt dejection weighing down on his chest, especially at the realization of how far back the three of them went. "You're going no matter what?" 

"Yes, Sousuke. How much more do you want me to spell out for you? No, I'm not happy to see you, I'm not going to go out of my way to spend time with you. In fact, I'm going to pretend yesterday and today didn't happen. Once I've left, please refrain from trying to contact me again." 

Sousuke sat in place, but tears had started streaming down his face. Makoto had gotten up and was walking away when something in Sousuke just moved. He bolted up and grabbed Makoto's wrist before managing to get a hold of him from behind. He held him that way and sobbed. 

When Makoto felt the sudden contact and the enveloping heat his first reaction was to shrug Sousuke off and regain his personal space. But, in that moment, something in him had refused to move, and it had refused to move just long enough that he could feel Sousuke's body as it clutched his own. He could feel his erratic heartbeat on his back, and the heat of his hand communicating with the skin of his wrists. Every single thing inside of Sousuke was screaming. Crying, begging, pleading. Makoto could feel all of those emotions, and couldn't bring himself to ignore Sousuke the way that Sousuke had once rejected him. 

Suddenly, Makoto sniffed as tears started falling from his eyes. He didn't understand it, and he couldn't control it. Something sleeping within him had just woken, and years of heartache descended upon him with all of their pent up fury. 

"What in this world do you expect from me. I did every single thing I could, and you still left. And now you're back? I don't need you. I don't want you. I've built myself from the bottom and I have something I like perfectly well now." 

They were both sobbing uncontrollably in their awkward embrace. Makoto was trying to extract himself and Sousuke wouldn't let go. 

When Sousuke finally managed words, his voice was extremely small. "But I love you. I'm so in love with you. I thought about you every single day for the past seven years." 

The words heightened the crying and now Sousuke was heaving so uncontrollably that Makoto had instinctively turned around in the embrace, holding him and trying to calm him down. "I didn't even move on. I haven't been with anyone in seven years, but you moved on so quickly." 

The instinct to care for him instantly turned into anger. He removed his arms from around Sousuke, but Sousuke had grabbed on to his chest. 

"Care to remind yourself exactly how you broke up with me?"

"Uuuhn. Hnn. I-..." Sousuke's words were punctuated by tears and Makoto couldn't help notice the dry irony present in him having to console the man who had cruelly destroyed his heart. "I let us grow apart. I thought it would be easier that way. I thought that swimming was the only way I could do it. I thought I was weak for depending on you." 

Makoto had calmed back down somehow and even though he was holding Sousuke, no part of him was affected by the words coming out of his mouth. It was a little bit of a pain, like something he had to do until Sousuke had gotten it out of his system. Then Sousuke would leave and Makoto could live his life normally. But somehow, giving him an easy time of it didn't sit well with Makoto. 

"So you thought the best way to do what ever you're referring to was to humiliate me during sex and then leave me without a word?" 

"That's not what happened." He was still sobbing but the conversation had taken precedence and now he was focusing on their talk. Makoto had sat down when he had had the chance and Sousuke had come to sit uncomfortably close to him. He was clutching onto Makoto's shirt in fear of Makoto making a move to walk away. 

"Oh? What's your version of it. I'd love to hear after all this time." 

Sousuke was stabbed by the harshness of the words, but he had to say it now or he would never have a chance again. "I felt indebted to you. Like I couldn't do anything without your help, like you were the only reason I had gotten better. I wanted to prove to myself that I could do things on my own. I was wrong." 

Irritation was scratching at the insides of Makoto's chest, and a feeling of pain had made itself a home in his throat. It was unfamiliar to him after all of these years and the sudden onslaught of feelings was tiring him out. 

"So you fucked up wherever you went, and now you've come running home?" 

Sousuke's eyes widened in protest, "No! That's no—Actually, yes. That's exactly it. I'm so sorry, but be my home for me Makoto. I need you." 

Everything about Sousuke was pleading in the way that had stopped Makoto in the first place, and he couldn't do anything to stop the part of him that wouldn't shun Sousuke away. It had recently woken and was quickly overpowering any dulled, calculative intentions Makoto had in him. It was as if his carefully constructed facade was void in Sousuke's presence, and so for the first time in 7 years, he gave to his emotions. 

He put his arms around the weakened Sousuke and kissed his forehead. "It's alright. Let's take it slowly. We'll talk this out, you can stay. I'll stay too." 

Sousuke sobbed in his arms uncontrollably, and before either of them had realized it, both had fallen asleep again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, so they can't fight forever. Luckily! It's gonna be tough run for Sousuke. I think this will turn into about 3 more chapters until everyone's calmed down. I can't wait for Reiichi and Akira to be back. I like them a lot, they kind of created themselves lol. They're so sweet to Makoto!
> 
> I also kind of like that Makoto would become part of an unconventional relationship if he had his heartbroken, but I really like that his partners aren't assholes who are bad for him. He seems like the type that would attract caring people because he's so sweet. What a poor sight he must have been, drunk and crying in some bars. I'd have fallen for him too.
> 
> I think I'd have fallen for him in multiple situations LOL but that's so not the point. Okay next time!
> 
> Also will we finally get some action? (IDK!)


	3. Lovers and Friends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Akira has a heart to heart with Sousuke... something like tearing his heart into pieces, but anyways.

A long time ago, Makoto had read somewhere that holding onto anger was like eating poison and expecting the other person to die. He'd laughed at how accurate that was. Then he'd also read some crap about how forgiveness was freeing, and he'd thought it such crap that he didn't even remember it completely. 

Inside him, a candle burned for all of the pain he'd felt. He seethed and it burned brighter. He dulled and it brightened at his expense. He was aware of it, and yet he let it be. Anger was comfort. He felt the way he felt for a reason. He wouldn't let go of the lessons he'd learned. They had become a part of him—as intrinsic as the need to smile and be kind to everyone that they had replaced. 

He didn't think about an outlet for it. He never took it out at anyone but himself. Inside him, it would eat. Eat at his insides and then regurgitate what it ate. Then it would eat that again. 

Makoto smiled at the imagery. That was about right. How rotten he'd become. What corruption felt like.

。。。

It had been a week since Makoto had relented and they'd fallen into an awkward routine of sorts. They'd go about their days as usual—Makoto would go about his day. Sousuke had come back to nothing and suddenly needed to find a job. He had plenty of money saved up, but it would run out eventually. He'd done his own groceries, separate from Makoto, and they each made meals one after the other.

It was killing him.

He thought back to the way they'd lived before he'd decided to leave, and the contrast slowly broke him. 

He slept on the couch. Makoto had washed some sheets and left them neatly in the living room. The first night that he'd been back he'd sneaked into Makoto's room after crying himself into a daze. He hadn't had the courage since. The blankets he was given smelled sterile, and he missed Makoto's scent on his sheets.

Lying in the living room, he would fool himself into believing that if he concentrated really hard, he could hear Makoto's breathing as he slept. He didn't know whether it was true or not, but he found solace in it and was slowly able to sleep at night.

One night they'd accidentally tried to use the restroom at the same time of night and ran into each other. The quiet of the night and the sleepiness in their eyes had fooled them both for a second. Makoto had lovingly put his hand on Sousuke's arm and smiled an angelic smile before he had realized he wasn't sleeping. When he realized he was awake, a cold shade had fallen over his face and he'd turned around and returned to his room.

When he'd come back out to use the bathroom when he figured it was safe, Sousuke was sure Makoto had heard him sobbing in the living room. Makoto had finished his business quickly and closed the door behind him to sleep.

。。。

On Friday night, Sousuke entered the apartment to find Makoto and Akira laughing and sharing stories over the dining table. When he entered, they both fell silent, waiting for him to continue to his place on the couch.

After dinner, Akira had followed Makoto into his room and Sousuke's chest had tightened, a debilitating lump forming in his throat. He was powerless to stop them, and yet he wanted to do so so bad that he thought he might die trying to restrain himself. He'd struggled to distract himself, but even from the living room he could feel the vibrations of the bed knocking on the wall from the floorboards. He'd put in earphones to block out any noise and absentmindedly cried at his computer screen. When he'd gone to wipe his eyes, one of them had fallen out, and he'd caught Makoto's voice mid-moan. A-akira ngh, mo—. Sousuke had slammed his headphones back in his ears and cried himself to exhaustion. 

Around 3AM, Akira came out to use the bathroom. The sound woke a fitfully sleeping Sousuke, who's face immediately paled at the sight. 

He was a good looking man. Makoto sure could pick them. If Sousuke had the build of a swimmer, both Akira and Reiichi were more like basketball players. They were tall, but lean. Akira had the kind of face that seemed like it would be popular with frivolous women, but also a certain sternness in his eyes. He'd caught Sousuke staring at him, so he walked towards him with a friendly smile on his face—if anything could be called friendly at that point. As he neared, Sousuke could see marks that proved to him what the two had been up to, and Akira smirked as he saw Sousuke examining his bite marks. 

"He's cute, but he's a biter isn't he." 

Sousuke was indignant. He wasn't ready to talk about this with this man. If there was any reason he hadn't jumped on him to kill him with his bare hands, it was that Makoto had told him explicitly that he loved him. 

"I don't know about that." 

"Oh? You don't? But I could have sworn that was some sort of leftover habit. Hmm," He smiled fondly, "Good to know it's not." 

"Where's the other guy?"

"Hmm? Icchan? He can't always come. I can't always come either, but whoever can does. Of course not when Mako-chan can't make it. Icchan and I don't make it a habit to sleep with each other." 

"But you have?" 

"Those are secrets for our bedroom aren't they." He winked, and something about the wink pissed Sousuke off. It was as if the man was teasing him in a show of sheer cruelty, and consciously at that. 

There was a silence between them until Akira spoke again. "You're a complete mess. You even got any tears left in that system? Maybe you couldn't hear us because of those headphones, but we could hear you clearly."

Sousuke's face betrayed his horror. 

"But it's funny because Makoto didn't change at all. He was the same. Like a sexy kitten you know." 

If Sousuke had to compare Makoto to an animal, he would have definitely chosen a dog, or a bunny. Kitten was new, and not having seen Makoto's "kitten" side brought back the flurry of emotions he'd felt when Makoto had been in their room sleeping with another man. 

The variety of emotions playing on Sousuke's face must have greatly amused Akira because he smiled and continued talking. 

"But you know, he's never once told us about you... Ever wonder why we reacted so strongly to you?" 

Sousuke was interested, but didn't want to hear about it from Akira. Regardless of whether he wanted to hear it or not, Akira continued. 

"He's always really good about moaning the right names in bed. We never have to doubt that he's thinking only about us. But sometimes when we stay over and one of us stirs, we catch him saying your name." He laughs a little. "We were really surprised the first time because Icchan had gotten up to get dressed and was making way too much noise. I'd woken but Makoto was still a sleep, when he'd murmured something like, 'Nnn... Sousuke, don't leave so early. I want to wake up with you there in the morning.'" 

A heat was rushing to Sousuke's face, and tears threatened to break loose from the rims of his eyes. He had never heard Makoto say that, and yet he knew exactly when Makoto might have picked up something like that. 

Akira lets it sink in and continues, "Reiichi was floored, but he had had to go that morning, so I cuddled him in his place. Reiichi loves to cuddle Makoto. He really adores him. I do too, but more because the gap between Makoto in bed and Makoto out of bed is so fascinating. And also hidden Makoto. It's so great. I really love him. But anyways, it was really cute because he usually sleeps a little fitfully, but he really melted into my arms that night." He grins, "I went in to work late that day, it was way too cute." 

Sousuke was in a state well past shock. He didn't know how to react, his heart felt like it'd been cut into a million pieces, and he didn't know if he was actually even breathing. 

After taking a good look at the sight, Akira lets up a little. He nears Sousuke, and Sousuke immediately steps back, but Akira gets a hand on Sousuke's shoulder. 

"Hey listen. Reiichi didn't not come because he was busy tonight. He tried to convince me not to come too. I didn't think Makoto would be ready for it yet, so I came, but we both want him to be happy. And we both know very well that that happiness is with you." 

He was looking into Sousuke's eyes and smiling genuinely now. "I trust that you'll take care of him after this, but we've been with him a long time. I, in the least, wanted to be with him one more time before I had to let him go. Reiichi is holding back for Makoto's sake. Anyways, I'm going back into that room and I'm going to hold him until he wakes up. After I leave tomorrow, it's up to you."

The look of protest on Sousuke's face was ignored by Akira. As he turned around and walked back into the room he gave Sousuke his parting remarks, "And we expect to be a part of his life even if you get back together. So you'll be seeing a lot of us. Be nice so we don't steal him back." 

With that the door shut and Sousuke was left to sit in the silence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I like Akira and Reiichi more than I like Sousuke. They're such caring souls. I like how neither has a monopoly on their three-way. I wonder if they'll end up together in the future. They both are semes, but it's okay because super-seme ships are the best.
> 
> In the meantime, after I had finished writing this chapter, I got the feeling that Akira was really Kise, and I'd accidentally dropped him into the wrong fanfic universe.  
> It would be cute to see Makoto with someone like that too.
> 
> *AOKI TAKES CARE OF A SWEET HURT MAKO-CHAN????????*
> 
> shh I said nothing. What am I doing.
> 
> Actually it was mostly that I didn't know how to describe their body types. They're not bigger than Sousuke. Sousuke's big by anyone's standards. But they're a different type. Their muscles are in different places and proportioned differently. But they're good to look at too. ;)  
> *drools* ok stops talking about oc's and goes back to storyline.
> 
> what will Sousuke dooooo~~~~~~~


	4. Heavy Mistakes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sousuke's troubles, Sousuke's mistakes, Sousuke's regrets.

Chlorine had become endlessly associated with heartache. He's swim lap after lap, back and forth, back and forth. Sometimes his time would improve, more often than not, it wouldn't.

He was finally swimming with Rin. They raced and swam with all of their might, and yet it was completely empty. When they got out of the water, Rin would disappear into some corner with Haru, and Sousuke would bite down the gulp in his neck along with any lunch or dinner he'd bought. 

He felt like he was being weighed down with something. The more he tried to swim, the more he sank, and the more he fought it, the more his shoulder complained. He wasn't going to make the same mistake twice, so he took a break from it all.

For reasons unbeknownst to him, he'd headed for a small seaside town. When he'd gotten there he'd realized exactly why he'd came. Iwatobi. Where it had all started. Where he had met that person. 

Suddenly he understood the weight. It wasn't his own failings. It was guilt. He was feeling guilty over the way he'd left the other boy, and now he was being brought down by it. The thought brought a course of anger streaming through his veins. How much more did the other boy want to rule over his life? When he was in Japan, he'd already been unable to escape his caring shadow, and now that he was abroad he'd be unable to shake him as an anchor?

With that Sousuke rushed back into his practices with a renewed seriousness, only to find his times consistently dropping. The more he fought it, the worse he got, until one day Rin finally pulled him aside.

"What's eating at you?"

Sousuke looked indignant. He'd worked hard so he could swim on this stage with Rin, and now he was being forced to explain why he sucked? As if he'd do it.

"Nothing, you go back to your lovey-dovey time with Nanase."

Rin squinted at him carefully.

"When you came to sacrifice your shoulder, just so you could swim with me, did you realize what you were after?"

"Of course. I wanted to swim with you. You were my rival and competitor, I couldn't just give you up to a group of guys who had taken you away from me."

"And why was that?"

Sousuke scrunched his eyebrows. It was a long time back, but he remembered clearly that there was something that he treasured about competing with Rin. As he remembered, his answer became clearer to him.

"Because I wanted to swim with you. As friends and rivals. Because swimming was our bond, and it was worth it because of the bond."

Rin looked at him and sighed a quick sigh of relief. "At least you understand that much. Now figure out if that's what you're doing right now." 

。。。

When Sousuke had laid in bed that night, he'd thought over Rin's words. They were uncharacteristically put together for Rin, and yet it was just a testament to how much he'd seemed to have grown after having been with Haru. 

What was he doing now...

As he thought about the question, it led him back to when he'd started devoting all of his time to swimming again. As he poured over the memories, he quickly got tugged into ones with Makoto in them. 

The way that Makoto had accepted him on their first night, the face he'd made when Sousuke had started to enter him, and how it had changed when he began to feel it. The way he'd make him lunch sometimes, and the way he'd find him waiting on the couch at night when they hadn't seen each other in a while. He remembered the way that Makoto would scratch at his back and come in his arms. The way he'd lay still with upturned eyebrows and a beautiful, stupid, blissful smile on his face, feeling completely safe in Sousuke's arms. 

As he remembered these, a sudden urgency to be in contact with Makoto took hold of him. But then he remembered their bitter breakup, and convinced himself otherwise. 

That night, he continued to think on his life before leaving Japan, and by the time morning had come, he had slowly come to realize that he had left not because of ambitions, but rather because he'd lost his confidence. He'd wanted to prove himself to himself, but more than that, more than anything in fact, he'd wanted to feel worthy for Makoto. He'd wanted to be worth all of the things Makoto had given him, and when he hadn't been able to come up with a way to make himself worthy or voice his own feelings, he'd started to push Makoto away. 

That night, he'd realized his mistake, but he also resolved to come back a stronger, better man for Makoto's sake. It would be 4 more years of failures before he'd realized he'd repeated the mistake he'd made in high school. That he'd waited for too long and ruined himself in the process. 

The thing that was most tragic about this time, though, was that he'd ruined someone else along with him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SIGHS... I had to include a Sousuke POV to get anywhere with this. I'm still writing the next one, but this seems like a good place to cut a chapter. Seriously Sousuke, is it that hard to face feelings of inadequacy???
> 
> Well actually it usually is huh. I wonder how many relationships are ruined over low self esteem and loving too much.


	5. Good Day, but not Good Bye

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Akira and Reiichi give Makoto his last gift.

When Makoto woke that morning, a familiar hand was draped over his abdomen. He turned around in the comfort and kissed the forehead of the owner of that hand. 

"It's unusual for you to still be over," he whispered, his voice especially hoarse from the night before. He kissed Akira's forehead again. 

Akira had ostensibly been awake, as he took the chance of Makoto closing in to kiss his forehead, to take a nip at Makoto's nose. The two of them giggled, and then Makoto quieted down. The silence was heavy between them as they'd come to have a relationship where they could understand each other without words. 

A slow tear trickled down the inside corner of Makoto's eyes. Akira brought Makoto into his embrace in response. Into Akira's chest, Makoto could only whimper weakly. 

"Please tell me this is not the last time." 

Akira smiled at Makoto and held him close. The two held each other for a long time. It felt like eternity as Makoto tried to melt himself into Akira's chest. He didn't know life without these two anymore. Why was this happening to him again? Why hadn't he given them more of himself? Would they have stayed then? 

Akira was studying Makoto's face and had long ago learned to discern the emotions raging behind his quiet composure. When he opened his mouth to speak, he chose his words out of love. Out of utmost consideration for Makoto. 

"It's not the last time..." The silence hung between them as Makoto waited for him to explain. He'd long lost the habit of getting his hopes up without understanding people's full intentions. "I'll come see you a lot. I'll bring Reiichi with me. At least once a week. We're not breaking up, we're just going change our relationship a bit." 

Tears streamed down Makoto's face uncontrollably at this. He had grown so used to their warmth that he didn't see any reason he should give it up. He could think of not one thing that had been closer to him than Akira and Reiichi. Why did they have to stop? Just because some asshole from his past had come back? Because they thought he'd be happy with him? 

"I won't be happy without you." 

"You're not happy with us either." 

"Why didn't Reiichi come?" 

There was a pause. Akira's own throat was swelling as he thought of the Reiichi, who he'd left behind in order to come to Makoto's that night. 

"He loves you very much. This was too hard for him. He'll come see you soon though." 

Makoto had begun to clutch Akira's body tightly, like a safety blanket, and the action elicited a few kisses on the forehead. Before long, however, Akira was untangling himself from Makoto's arms and dressing himself so he could leave. He bent over to give him one final kiss, soft and slow on the lips, and whispered his goodbyes. 

Makoto was left with a teardrops on his face. Some his own, and others not. And simple words. 

I love you. Be happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WHAT THE FUCK HAVE I DONEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
> 
> I'm drowning in my own tears as I write. Fuck my life.


	6. Heartfelt

Something about the night ticks away even without the presence of a clock. As if darkness erases self and sins, and makes room for a comfortable contemplation. As if the dulled sanctuary cradles you in its arms. And the impending morning threatens to wash it all away.

。。。

Sousuke lay awake, staring at the apartment's ceiling, as Akira exited Makoto's room and then the apartment. He could tell that the man was crying and he figured that Makoto probably was as well. For a second, it struck him as rather funny that the apartment was such a tear fest for men over the age of 25. And then the funniness quickly gave way to the desperation of it all.

He hadn't slept after speaking with Akira the night before. He'd spent the night contemplating his place in all of this; the transformation that had come over Makoto, and the reason he'd returned. He tried to remember what he'd thought he'd find, what he thought he'd wanted to find, and then contrasted it with how he'd come and turned Makoto's life upside down.

He was afraid of entering the room, but he knew that he had to. That he wanted to.

He thought about it for ten more minutes and finally steeled himself for the sight within.

He hadn't thought he'd really be prepared for it, but when he got inside he realized he really hadn't been prepared.

Makoto was lying face up on his bed, eyes closed and tears streaming down either sides of his face. Blankets were gathered at the bottom of the bed and Makoto lay fully exposed, kiss marks clearly visible to an aghast Sousuke.

He was lying there crying; shaking, heaving, breath hitching. Ostensibly not having noticed Sousuke's presence in the room.

Sousuke wondered how long he'd been like that and regretted the ten minutes he'd spent deciding whether or not he should enter the room. Sousuke opened his mouth to speak, but his voice cracked and nothing came out.

The sound had been enough for Makoto to notice his presence. He choked down a tear as he sat up and grabbed the blankets at the foot of his bed. He then quickly threw them over himself, continuing his sobbing beneath the protection of his blankets.

Sousuke had noticed this as a new change that had come over Makoto. He'd become prideful, as if there was some part of himself that he wouldn't expose to other people, as if there were some places where he drew lines he'd never drawn before. And as if he was clearly drawing that line between him and Sousuke in this moment.

Sousuke's panic had tided over and been replaced by something calmer, but wilder. Something instinctual. He went and sat on the corner of the bed, and ran a hand over Makoto's blanketed form.

Makoto's revulsion was obvious as he shook the hand off and recoiled.

Sousuke didn't want to give, so he chose to speak. "What happened?"

The crying inside of the blanketed mound intensified.

"Why do I have to see you right now. You are the LAST person I want near me. Get out."

The sobs continued and Sousuke looked at Makoto helplessly.

"I can't leave you like this..."

The tears slowly silenced at this, and Makoto pulled himself upright. He peaked his head through the blankets and then repositioned them so they were covering everything except his head and neck.

A slow smile broke from his face and then quickly devolved into laughter. Not quite maniacal, but unexpected enough to be heavily unsettling.

Sousuke opened his mouth to speak but Makoto started before, "Leave me like this? When have you ever left me like this? Don't be mistaken just because Akira left. I can feel his love in every part of my body. Every touch of his skin upon mine reassured me of how much he loves me, how much he wants me to be happy. How much he couldn't bear to part with me. Much better than the way you left me. Unwanted and unloved. Ignored. Unworthy. Something you deigned to give your attention to because it was a pretty good sex toy."

He paused for breath and spoke again, "I'm not crying because he chose to leave. He promised he'd be a part of my life and I believe him. I believe that our bond will be okay. I believe that I'll see him next Friday and we'll talk and laugh."

There was a silence and even though Makoto was not speaking, Sousuke felt silenced by the aura emitting from Makoto. He had something more to say and he'd say it.

"No. I'm crying because you came back. You came back and somehow you've managed to make yourself the victim. You've come back and messed with the relationships I spent years building. Who do you think you are? Why would I possibly be happy with you. What did I ever do to deserve this?"

With the last line, tears started falling again and Makoto fell back into his bed, sobbing.

Sousuke was at a loss for words. He was at a loss for anything. He didn't even know which emotions were coursing through him. He was looking at the full extent of the damage he'd done all those years ago, and the damage he'd caused within just a week of having been there.

Words wouldn't form in his mouth. He felt tired. What had he done?

Did he even have a right to be the one to make it right?

Did he even have the right to touch Makoto again?

As he was realizing that his presence was completely uncalled for, that he was making everything worse, Akira's words from the night before rang in his ears.

"It's up to you."

Sousuke steeled himself and crawled onto the bed to where Makoto was sitting. He sat in close vicinity to him, but he didn't touch him.

"I'm sorry."

There was a silence between them and Makoto refused to respond.

"I'm sorry and I love you. I've always loved you. But I'm dense." Sousuke swallowed deeply before continuing. He had to control his breathing as his voice threatened not to come out. He had been in tears the whole week, but he refused to let himself cry in this moment. "I'm sorry, I love you, and I've been an incredible asshole. It was hard for me to see past anything but my pride. And... I repeated that mistake when I left you." He sighed. "And I repeated it again when I came back and made this about myself."

Sousuke was speaking things he was realizing in the moment. As he realized them, he wanted to go hide in a cave at his own incompetence. But he couldn't. He had an apology to give.

"I came back and saw that you'd moved on, and instead of seeing the pain that must have pushed you to it... I saw betrayal. And I moped in self-pity... And I'm really so dumb because I just now realized that the point of everything I did was that I didn't feel good enough for you. I wanted to be better for you and I put you through the worst in the process. I forgot about you. You were the reason I wanted anything after high school."

He paused.

"Christ I'm such an idiot. I'm so sorry." A lump had formed in Sousuke's throat, but he tried to speak despite it. "I... I came back because I realized that I had had no purpose for all of these years. At first I thought that my memories of you were dragging me down, and then I realized that the only reason I could move forward was because I'd wanted to do it for your sake... Not because you enabled me to do it, but because I had wanted to do it for you."

Makoto had slowly emerged from his self-made refuge and was poking his head out to listen to Sousuke's confessions and apologies. Sousuke took that as encouragement to continue speaking.

"I decided to come back because I'd wanted to see you. I've wanted to see you for years, but I wouldn't admit it to myself. Somewhere in my head I'd turned you into the enemy. I can't believe I can't keep track of my own feelings... and when I came back I did it again. I'm so sorry."

"How can I be like this? I'm so sorry Makoto. You are my home. But I'm not here so that you can support me and make me feel okay again. You never owed me that, you never even tried to give me that. You just gave me your love... whatever you had. I'm sorry for misunderstanding."

Sousuke took a deep breath as he approached what he imagined was the only thing he could offer.

"This time, can I be here to love you? To give you everything I have?"

Silent tears had been flowing down Makoto's cheeks as he listened, but something in his expression had softened. When he was finally able to speak, a small remnant of his old angelic smile involuntarily broke onto his face.

"Apology tentatively accepted."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so glad he finally realized what an asshole paradox he was being. I'm sure Makoto was feeling it all along, so he couldn't quite open up to man child Sousuke. But I think at some point, we all accept the apologies of our loved ones. I think Sousuke's was finally genuine.
> 
> So after this, I promise the *comfort* part. Lol I've just been hurting all over the place. =_=
> 
> I'll update well into tonight!


	7. The Love Reflected in Your Eyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes the ones you hurt the most are the ones who did nothing but love you.

Sometimes you're broken and everything you do is wrong. But it's not necessarily that your own actions won't get you back on your feet. They just have to be different actions.

。。。

"One forgives to the degree that one loves."

。。。

When Makoto had accepted his apology, the weight of the world had suddenly fallen off of Sousuke's shoulders. He hadn't even known it was there. In that moment, he'd found it funny how unaware humans could be of themselves.

All these years, he'd simply wanted to be allowed back into Makoto's arms... And he'd struggled, and denied, and lied to himself.

Now he was suddenly relieved, but also entirely unsure. How much did Makoto forgive. How much would he allow? What was Sousuke to him now? How could he find out?

Makoto seemed to have gotten tired after all the crying and had fallen back onto a pillow and closed his eyes. Sousuke wanted more than anything to lay himself down next to Makoto and snuggle with him till they both fell asleep. He wondered if that was acceptable, if Makoto wouldn't recoil.

He decided he would have to take his chances, and gingerly laid himself down next to Makoto. When Makoto rolled into him a bit, Sousuke felt like beaming with joy. He put an arm over him and brought them close together. At the closer contact, it dismayed him that he could smell the scent of another man mixing with Makoto's skin but he realized that he'd have to take Makoto how he was. He'd been hurt but he'd made it, and all of his decisions were ones that Sousuke would have to accept.

。。。

The first few weeks after their reconciliation, Makoto noticed that Sousuke tread very carefully around him. He was testing for boundaries, sore topics, the extent of Makoto's pain. The attention made Makoto soften up a little more.

When he'd been broken up with, what had hurt him far more than Sousuke leaving was the fact that their relationship had been denied in the process. He couldn't tell what Sousuke had been thinking, why he was closing himself away from him, or why he'd stopped caring. The reason Makoto had accepted Sousuke's apology was because it had made sense, and he'd been aching to hear some sort of explanation for the treatment back then. Of course it had been unacceptable, but what was Makoto to do now. What else could Sousuke say to him? He'd said everything that he could possibly say, and in the end, somewhere in his heart, Makoto had wanted to accept it.

It was hard for Makoto to come to terms with, but more than any other reason, he'd forgiven him because he'd wanted to. Their relationship had been the most precious thing in Makoto's life, and Makoto had given so much of himself to Sousuke that it was as if he'd given some things away. So, when Sousuke had left, he'd left with them, and now that he was back, Makoto could slowly feel those things coming back to him.

A blush heating up his cheeks, and the excitement of his heart skipping a beat at his touch.

Elation at hearing him call his name, and the safety he could feel in his embrace.

These were all things that Makoto had missed so badly he'd taught himself to forget how to miss them. Now that he could have them again, now that Sousuke had showed him that he had changed, he wasn't willing to give up their possibilities for some messed up emotions that did nothing but torture his soul and crush his heart.

But that didn't mean he wasn't afraid.

Opening himself up to Sousuke, slowly reverting to a self he thought had died during his transformation...These weren't things that were difficult, they were near impossible. Seven years had taught him not to trust, that happiness was an illusion born out of desire. And he didn't know how to be touched again.

。。。

They lay in a more isolated section of the beach. Makoto's parents had begged for him to come back, and Sousuke had thought it would be a good change of place for the both of them.

Their relationship was at a standstill. The pent up emotions would seep out of Makoto from time to time and Sousuke would do his best to console him. He would hold him when he cried, kiss him when he looked too miserable to bear. Like this they had spent the first few months of living together flushing out the hurt.

Some days when Makoto came home in good mood, he'd give Sousuke a kiss on the cheek. Sousuke suspected these were the days he hung out with his ex-boyfriends, but he didn't say a thing. It hurt him that other people were capable of cheering up Makoto much more than he could, but it was the price he had to pay for his selfish, unthinking actions. He accepted these things and took a great lesson from the former Makoto who he had first fallen in love with. Though he was supportive, he gave Makoto his own space to work out his issues.

Like this they had slowly become closer again, and Makoto had become more vocal about his wishes. Sousuke was to sleep with him in their room. Sousuke had wanted to get a new bed, but he didn't dare mention it to Makoto. He just listened, and did his best to oblige. He'd get into bed in just his underwear, and sleep with Makoto who was similarly clothed. Once he started doing it, he'd wake up every morning to find Makoto holding him closely in his sleep, and something told him that he was to stay like that and be there when the other boy woke up no matter what. He wasn't sure what the ritual was about, and it bothered him a little, but he felt comfortable enough about it to refrain from prying.

They were to see each other every day, though their interactions were sometimes awkward, and other times forced. Every weekend, they were to spend at least one entire day together.

These were Makoto's requests.

Though Sousuke had initially been surprised at the fact that Makoto wasn't avoiding him, he was immensely thankful that the boy wanted to spend time with him.

So as they lay there at the beach, Sousuke was mulling over the state of their relationship. He'd been chaste for a whole seven years (amazing for any young and healthy man), so he figured a few more months or even some more years wouldn't hurt him. It wasn't that he hadn't had chances in the past, but he had just never been in the mood. It was as if his libido had disappeared with the stress of his swimming career, and he would just swim until he was too exhausted to move. Though he wouldn't admit it, he suspected that some of his abstinence might have been subconsciously dedicated to Makoto. Sex with someone he wasn't in love with just seemed as if it would have been a chore, and so he hadn't engaged in it.

Now, on the other hand, he was having incredible difficulty keeping it in his pants. He'd be snuggled up to a mostly naked Makoto every night, and the other would often thoughtlessly touch him or hug him during the time they spent together during the day. He wasn't sure if he noticed, but he hoped to God that their relationship might take that step soon. He also understood that it wasn't his place to push. When Makoto wanted to be touched, he would indicate that he wanted it. It was Sousuke's duty to understand and wait until that time.

He sighed audibly.

A few seconds after the sigh, the sunlight was blocked out by a Makoto who had popped his head over Sousuke's.

"Why are you sighing?" He said with a grin.

Makoto's smile had slowly but surely returned, and now if he was in a good mood, it would peak out from time to time. Sousuke was happy to see it, and pulled the boys face down for a kiss. As their lips met, in the same way they had many times over the past few months, Sousuke breathed in Makoto's scent. Makoto sucked on Sousuke top lip and then nipped at his bottom, until finally letting his tongue make its way into his mouth.

Sousuke was so elated at the long awaited tongue action that he rolled the other boy over and positioned himself on top of him so he could kiss him more deeply. Makoto accepted the kiss and Sousuke continued with such fervor that the both of them were quickly kissing each other into dangerous territory.

When it seemed that they'd soon be moving on from kissing to something entirely different, Makoto stopped them. Sousuke looked extremely disappointed, and Makoto giggled at the look on his face.

"I'm not saying no indefinitely silly. Just not here okay. Let's enjoy being back here for a little instead."

"So you're okay with it with it somewhere else?"

Makoto looked at Sousuke and smiled. Then he looked away sheepishly.

"Yes, I think I'm ready for it, but I want to do it at home. In our bed."

Sousuke visibly cringed at the suggestion. He cleared his throat to speak and then thought better of it.

"Let's talk about it when we get home."

。。。

The Tachibanas were extremely happy to see their son. As it turned out, Makoto had minimized his communication with even his family, and though he'd go back for major holidays, he'd seem distant and unapproachable. They'd all wondered what had gone wrong, and there had been a little bit of animosity from them when they'd put two and two together. Sousuke had taken it in stride, and that had impressed them enough to forgive him without pressing. Makoto seemed to be better now and that was of bigger concern to them than anything else.

Makoto had secretly taken pleasure in watching Sousuke interact with his siblings. Though he had been scared of committing himself to Sousuke, he was very aware of the fact that he was beginning to feel an intense attraction to him.

When he'd initially agreed to accept Sousuke's apology, his agreement had been contingent on feelings he'd kept with him through the years. He'd soon come to realize the Sousuke he was with now was different in many ways.

When he was younger, Makoto had been attracted to Sousuke's determination. He had had an unassuming confidence about him and he had always seemed so strong. When he had come to Makoto for support, Makoto had gotten to see his weaker, more unsure sides. He'd felt an unshakable urge to take care of him and be with with him back then. To give him whatever he wanted, to love him with all he had.

Sousuke now was more restrained. His confidence had softened into something that could more accurately be described as perceptiveness, or maybe caution. He was careful, and extremely observant of Makoto. The attention itself was enough to make Makoto blush, but the changes in other aspects of Sousuke had him much more affected.

Sousuke had grown a few inches since they'd last met, so his body was bigger than Makoto's in a way that made Makoto's heart race. His face had stayed more or less the same, but his eyes emitted a new sort of strength. They smoldered in a way—except when they looked at Makoto. When he laid his eyes on Makoto, they would immediately soften, and his entire expression would radiate affection.

Makoto was extremely aware of it. During the first few weeks of their new relationship, he had tried to deny that facing that expression turned him into mush, but soon he'd come to accept it. He'd just blush and smile stupidly to himself, or at Sousuke when he was feeling bold. The whole experience was exhilarating.

Like falling in love again.

。。。

They'd come home, showered and gotten into their bed, minimally clothed as usual. Sousuke was expectant, but he was watching Makoto carefully. He wanted more than anything to return to their previous intimacy, but he also felt that there were things they had yet to discuss—things they needed to discuss.

They were lying side by side, with Makoto using Sousuke's chest as a headrest. The closeness made Sousuke uncomfortable because his mind would dive into the gutter in a moment's notice, but he'd learned to persevere through it. When Makoto finally began to speak, Sousuke was incredibly thankful for the distraction.

"Did you ever wonder why I asked you to sleep with me this way?" He was trying to keep his breath steady. He was calm and wanted to talk about all of the things he'd been keeping inside, but his voice threatened to crack and tears were waiting at the ready. Talking about his wounds like this was like laying them open in front of the man who'd caused them. Like reliving them when he'd done nothing but pretend they didn't exist for years.

Sousuke noticed the volatility in Makoto's behavior and instinctively leaned in to kiss his forehead. "Tell me."

There was a silence between them as Makoto collected himself.

"Um, when you left, I was a mess. I'd try to tell myself it was a dream, I'd try to think about ways in which it could all be one big joke. And I missed you. I'd sleep in this bed, and you wouldn't be there." He had to pause for breath before he could speak again. His breath had started hitching, but he was doing his best to give his explanation. "Then I would imagine scenarios in which you came back and apologized. I'd imagine that you'd make love to me all night long, and I would eventually fall asleep. And in my dreams you'd be there. But somehow I always knew that you weren't."

He took a few more breaths because his voice had started to turn into a sort of squeaking sound. But he had to continue. He had to share this with someone, with Sousuke, or he would never be able to open up.

"So one night, I thought that I could grab all of the blankets in the house. Like having them all would emulate your warmth, and at least in my dreams I could be convinced we were still together... It worked. But when I woke up to realize you really weren't there, it was the worst. I thought the first few weeks had been hell, but hell really began there."

Sousuke was speechless as Makoto relayed his story. He would have wanted to speak words of comfort, but nothing he could think of seemed as if it could be near enough.

Makoto continued to speak.

"So when you really did come back, I fell into reliving what had happened back then. I asked you to sleep with me so I could wake up and you'd be there. And every time you were there, I was... I was ngh so relieved."

Tears had started to fall down from Makoto's eyes and Sousuke was still at a loss for words. He could only show his feelings through his actions, so he gave Makoto soft kisses on his eyes and his cheeks until he'd calmed down.

As the Makoto opened his mouth to speak again, he moved closer into Sousuke's embrace. Neither could see the other's face, but the closeness allowed Makoto to listen to Sousuke's heartbeat. It calmed him significantly and when he spoke again, it felt to him more like talking intimately with his lover than tearing open old wounds.

"After you left, I changed everything. I got new furniture, new clothes. I tried to decorate differently. I wanted to forget that there had ever been a me that had been with you." He laughs a little. "Aki-chan and Icchan found me at some bar. I was trying to get wasted enough to cause memory loss, while trying to get someone to pick me up. When I think back to it, I'm so lucky it was them."

Sousuke flinched at the mention of their names, and though Makoto couldn't see his expression, he was explaining himself thoroughly, so he continued. "I had them bring me back here and I tried to seduce them. It was really clumsy, it didn't work at all. They stayed with me that night, and then we met up again when I was sober. At first, I thought I was having them take me in this bed, our bed, because I wanted to corrupt anything we'd had together. Later I realized it was because I was trying to pathetically relive the intimacy you and I had shared. I think that was my lowest point. I tried to break it off with them and I was going to live the rest of my life in complete solitude."

Makoto pauses and then he giggles at some recollection.

"Reiichi came over and stayed at my place for two weeks. I couldn't do anything to make him leave. He just stayed and watched over me and poked around in my life until I took back my words and let them stay. It was surprising because I'd thought Akira was the meddlesome one."

Sousuke is torn between various conflicting emotions. Even though he hates that Makoto has been with someone other than himself, he's overcome with thankfulness towards the two who stuck by Makoto's side when no one else was there. His breath is caught in his throat and he still can't speak. To indicate he's listening, he rubs Makoto's back with his hand to help soothe him and also to encourage him to keep speaking.

"So, then even though I was with them, and I tried so hard to forget everything about you, do you want to know about why I kept this bed?"

For a second, Sousuke smiled. It was comical, and so damn Makoto to ask him if he wanted to hear about something at this point. He couldn't help but chuckle slightly at the thought. He quickly placed a kiss into Makoto's hair so as to not alarm him. "Please tell me."

"Unn. Well, the first time we had sex, it was in your room in your bed right. You'd said something stupid like I'd get it after I let you do it. As if something like that made sense. The naive little me from back then had gone along with it too. But, anyways, after you fell asleep that night, I was so surprised. I really had gotten it. I remember being so amazed that a touch could communicate so much. I never told you honestly though. I probably fell in love with you that night."

He giggles at the memory and Sousuke can't help but bring Makoto's face up to his. He kisses him slowly but extremely tenderly, as if to try to convey how much the confession has lifted his heart.

Makoto returns the kiss, until they break for air naturally. He returns his head to Sousuke's chest.

"So, when we moved in here, this bed was the place we touched the most. And when you'd left, this was the single thing that held the most of my memories of being loved by you. I couldn't bear to let those go. So I kept it. I couldn't bear to get rid of it."

Sousuke is touched by the sentiment, but can't help but feel uncomfortable. "But you've probably made much more love to your two partners than you have with me... I mean, here."

Makoto's face betrays his pain but he smiles.

"That's probably true. But they're all my precious memories now. Those two are forever going to be a part of my life. They're the people who kept me together when I was falling apart, the people who loved me with the least selfishness in their hearts. And because of all of those experiences, with them and with you, this bed feels like a great big part of me. And rejecting it feels like rejecting my past. I don't want to start all over... I don't want to start at the beginning."

He pauses, and rolls Sousuke over on top of him. As Sousuke lifts some of his weight off of Makoto and props himself up on his hands, Makoto continues. There's a steady determination in his eyes, a determination that seems foreign in Makoto, and at the same time speaks of the years of change he's undergone.

"If you're going to make love to me, I want you to take me here. I want you to take me as I am."

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sighs. This was really so difficult. Comfort is just so much harder than hurt. LOL sounds like a life lesson. Let me know what you guys think. I have plans for about two more chapters, but I don't think this one will get very smutty at all.
> 
> I really understand the feelings of mangaka who put you through hella heartache and then give you no sex scene. It's exhausting! I have no energy left to craft a sex scene into here T_T
> 
> Or well maybe ;) we'll see.  
> Surprises next chapter! Pleasant ones :)


	8. Lovers and Friends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reiichi and Akira claim their space in Makoto's life, etc.

On his way back from the city, Sousuke sat on a train smiling to himself and slightly creeping people out (and also giving quite a few women the wrong idea). He'd been smiling to himself all day—in fact, he'd been at it all week. He couldn't help himself.

After all these years, he'd finally gotten to be with Makoto again and he couldn't get it off of his mind. Everything about him had been and was so utterly beautiful.

On their first night back together, Sousuke could feel he'd been nervous. Though he had had him in his arms, Makoto's body had been stiff, unnatural. And even though he'd confessed about all of the things that had hurt him, he was avoiding eye contact as if to communicate that he wasn't as okay with the situation as he was trying to show he was. Sousuke had taken to watching him closely, so he had noticed all of the signs; at the same time he had been thoroughly unable to restrain himself.

He'd held Makoto in his arms and kissed him deeply. As they had lain there, bodies flush against one another, tongues and fingers intertwined, Sousuke had been able to feel Makoto's feelings shift from where he was pinned underneath him. At first he'd been reluctant, resistant—scared. But as they had continued kissing, breathing the same air, Makoto had relaxed into Sousuke as if there was no way he could possibly be.

Sousuke kept playing the nights of the past week over in his head again and again. Makoto had given him so much, but he couldn't help smiling over the Makoto who had trembled and shivered in his arms, trying to keep his breathing even, trying to keep himself composed and then losing it all. It had been very difficult for Sousuke to not climax immediately every time he'd entered him, but he'd held out in favor of watching Makoto writhe in pleasure.

The love in Makoto's face had been Sousuke's saving grace. He knew, and had known, even when he made love to Makoto, that not all could be forgiven immediately, or maybe even ever. And yet, the desperate expression on Makoto's face when Sousuke would kiss him, hold him in his arms, or rub inside him had become the strength Sousuke needed to believe that they could make it. The amount of love that shone in his face, the tears that were brimming his eyes, the words of love that had left his lips. Sousuke couldn't help it. All he could do was think about Makoto over and over again, and smile to himself like an idiot.

。。。

When Makoto was by himself, he was a mess. And not a tortured, miserable mess. More the kind of mess that had to do with being jelly on your feet and a pile of mush all of the time. He and Sousuke had started being intimate once again and it had given him so much happiness that he realized he couldn't even imagine how much he had missed him; how much he had loved him.

He was slightly unhappy at himself. For all his years of miserable deadness, he sure could bounce back easily. He'd accepted Sousuke back and fallen so hard he was horrified at his own capriciousness. Somewhere in his heart he didn't blame himself too much, or take it very seriously though. He had known all along who he needed beside him and had done what he needed to for his own happiness. He wouldn't have done it if he had felt he couldn't trust Sousuke, but he'd been given the apology he had been pining for and there was nothing more he could have asked for, in the end..

They were getting somewhere. The could make this work between them.

They could be together from now on.

And just like that, he was a pile of mush again.

。。。

Sousuke had been looking forward to coming home that night because it was finally the weekend. This meant three whole nights of unrestrained touching and kissing and intimacy, and he wanted nothing more to spend all of his time doting on Makoto. It wasn't in his nature to be too excessive in his emotions, but what he wanted to touch he wanted to touch, what he wanted to kiss he wanted to kiss and those things were all Makoto.

However, his heart fell into the lowest recesses of his guts when he reached their apartment door. He could hear two familiar voices mixing with Makoto's and he was suddenly extremely irritated at the intrusion. He braced himself for the meeting when he opened the door, but he was still surprised what he saw when he entered the apartment.

On their couch, Makoto was lying on top of Reiichi, who's face was nonchalant as ever, with Akira lying on top of Makoto, making kissy faces in his directions. Everyone was fully clothed, but Sousuke couldn't help but go extremely red in the face. When the door had opened, everyone had stopped to see who had entered.

Makoto's face was slightly dazed, but as he realized that Sousuke had come home, it turned into a sweet smile. "Welcome back."

Sousuke wasn't sure why this hadn't devolved into some state of alarm so he was a little unsure of himself when he spoke, "Yeah... Mind explaining what's going on here?"

Makoto responded once again. Reiichi seemed like he wasn't paying much attention, and Akira was watching Sousuke with the look of a kid who disliked his strange uncle in his eye. "Well, we're hanging out. You know we hang out every Friday, right?"

"Umm yeah, but what's with all of the touching."

At this, as if they had planned this together beforehand, both Reiichi and Akira gave Makoto quick pecks, one on the cheek and the other on the shoulder.

Akira turned to Sousuke and stuck his tongue out, "Whaat, just because you're the boyfriend doesn't mean he isn't one of the biggest loves of our lives. We're not going to give him up so easily to you."

Sousuke was concerned, and his face had turned into one of confrontation when Reiichi began to speak. It was most unusual for him to do any explaining, but he'd deigned it worth his time to be said, and everyone seemed to understand, so they listened when Reiichi spoke. "He doesn't mean that. What we mean to say is, our relationship with him has always been like this. I like touching him because he calms me. Kind of like a puppy but much cuter. So we're always going to be more touchy feely than you may be comfortable with. But you should be okay with that right? I mean I'm sure the love he shows you an entirely different kind right."

He had a playful look in his eyes, but it was tinged with a seriousness. As if his word would be the last say on this. Sousuke wasn't comfortable with it in the least, and at the same time he understood that the both of them had backed off in order for his relationship with Makoto to work out. He didn't want to admit it, but the two seemed to really be taking care of Makoto as good friends. Makoto just sat there watching curiously for Sousuke's reaction. His expression told Sousuke that his final decision would be what Sousuke was comfortable with, and just that was enough.

Sousuke rolled his eyes and huffed. "Ah, whatever. I'm going to make dinner Makoto. Are these two staying?"

But before they could answer, the door burst open and someone came barging in with purpose. His expression was very subtle, but clearly of extreme annoyance. Another figure followed him inside, looking extremely exasperated.

Before Makoto could respond or anyone could speak, he walked over to the couch and began inquiring at Akira and Reiichi's position.

"Who are you two? Why are you touching him?"

Akira had bounced back the fastest, so he responded with some rebelliousness, "We're his lovers. Right, Makoto?"

Makoto looked at him confusedly, so Akira kissed his shoulder again to try to make a point.

The face of the man he was responding to suddenly turned from annoyance to some sort of strange excitement. "Let me in too. I'm gonna be a lover too."

As he climbed onto the couch and attempted to squeeze himself into a space, Makoto had regained enough composure to speak.

"H-haru?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So~ please look forward to next time. I thought that Reiichi and Akira would end up sort of like this because I think their bond with Makoto is less about sex than it is companionship, but I figured that they would still be touchy and stuff idk~~
> 
> anyways Haru showed up so look forward to an extra bit at the end ;) you can sort of think about it like an extra.  
> Please let me know what you think :)
> 
> Also I've had no time to proofread so maybe small changes later


	9. Sweater Weather

Haru settled himself into a space between Makoto and a couch and petted Makoto's hair in what might have been considered a loving manner. It was a little odd, but no one in the room seemed to be able to say it.

"Go out with me... I broke it off with Rin, you break it off with that asshole."

Makoto was still confused about what was going on, but the look of horror reflecting on Rin and Sousuke's faces was enough to tell him something was unfolding. He chose not to spoke in favor of letting things play themselves out.

As silence hung in the air, Sousuke was able to collect himself slightly, "Tell me you didn't—"

"He found out on his own."

The look of horror on Sousuke's face was well on par with the look on Rin's face.

Haru, who was uncharacteristically being quite talkative, filled in the missing pieces.

 

 

"Rin thought that I would stop swimming if I found out about what this asshole had done to you..." there was a pause, as if Haru was letting it sink in, though he was probably deciding if he needed to say more, "First, he got jealous I put so much effort to stay in touch with you when I didn't even try when he left. And then he failed to tell me this."

He sent Rin an unusually sharp look, and then continued, "I don't mind your boyfriends, but we're breaking up with these guys. Hmm speaking of, is it okay if I top?" A look similar to the one that coursed over his face in the presence of water was playing on his face. "Seems like fun."

Rin, who's face had gone from mildly horrified to pathetically desperate, seemed to be unsuccessfully trying to coming up with words for the situation. Sousuke on the other hand seemed to be wracking his mind for how this situation would work out.

Akira and Reiichi both seemed highly amused, though Reiichi let out a grunt indicating that he was done being subjected to the weight of 3 full grown men. It seemed that the four on the couch were in perfect understanding as everyone shifted such that Reiichi and Akira were seated on the couch with Makoto in between. Haru had somehow climbed into Makoto's lap and sat with his arms around Makoto, much in the way a baby monkey clings to its mother. From his position he sent threatening looks at Sousuke.

Makoto seemed to have gathered himself with the shift and began to speak.

"It's good to see you Haru."

His angelic smile seemed to have returned immediately now that he was being given affection from Haru—a point that Sousuke in particular noted with some contempt.

"You've gotten bigger!"

Haru looked Makoto straight into Makoto's eyes, and put one of his hands on Makoto's face. Then, as if there was no one else in the room, he continued, "And you've gotten cuter. I'm serious about us."

Akira couldn't help but laugh at this.

"Yeah, you know what he's right. Makoto you've gotten so much cuter. It's like he's brought out a side of you I've never seen before. I vote boyfriend boy, let's get rid of the other one."

Sousuke opened his mouth in protest, but before he could speak, Haru was kissing Makoto straight on the lips and drawing it out. Makoto's face turned bright red at the contact, and he couldn't help but return the kiss, seeing as he was in the habit of allowing Haru anything.

After he finished kissing him, he looked straight into Makoto's eyes and asked, "So how was it?"

It had taken Sousuke a full fifteen seconds to process what had just occurred, but as he did, he bolted for the couch and extracted Makoto from the tangle of bodies sitting on it.

"Nope! No, no, no. No. He's mine! All of you out."

Makoto looked at Sousuke and blushed even brighter at the declaration.

Akira and Reiichi were still amused, but Rin had thrown himself at Haru's feet and was begging him to stay. Haru was looking to the side of the room, ignoring Rin as he sat.

Suddenly, the scene struck Makoto as sort of comical. He knew that Haru was angry because they'd been apart for so long and what had happened to Makoto had been kept from him, but the both of them had been at fault as well. They had easily thought that their friendship would brave the lack of communication, as if nothing that would change the other person could possibly happen. They'd been naive. And yet, here Haru was. Throwing an interestingly typical hissy fit, breaking up with his boyfriend over his hand in their miscommunication, it was everything he'd missed about his best friend. And yet, he could know for sure that their bond was still there, alive and well after all these years.

What was more, Reiichi and Akira had fit themselves into the picture entirely flawlessly—as if they'd been there from the beginning.

How well everything fit very much put Makoto at ease, and he couldn't help but smile. As Rin got more and more desperate, and Sousuke squeezed him tightly, he chuckled a bit. Soon, Akira was joining him and Reiichi let a smirk play on his face. Haru's mood had also changed, though it went undetected by a panicked Rin. Sousuke was looking at Makoto quizzically, unable to understand the origin of his reaction.

The whole situation felt so at ease to Makoto—so warm—that a quiet and reassured happiness fell over his heart for the first time in years. He turned to Sousuke and gave him a slow and meaningful kiss on the lips.

The three on the couch smiled at the gestures despite themselves, and Rin continued to beg. Yet somehow, through it all, Makoto could feel his life put itself together again. He could feel the love and good will of his friends and the affection of his lover.

And it felt incredibly warm. Not the desperate warmth of a cold winter morning spent in blankets, but a pleasant warmth. Like the warmth felt when the sun comes out from behind clouds, or a sweater warn on a chilly day. Comfortable and peaceful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> http://www.lovethesepics.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/Monkey-mother-comforting-her-curious-baby.jpg
> 
> This was the image of a baby monkey I had in mind. I feel like it suits Haru. But he's kind of a really slick baby monkey huh, he got a kiss in on Makoto and everything.
> 
> I wanted to do this because it didn't feel right to leave their relationship unmentioned. Also, I wonder if Makoto can ever truly be happy without Haru in his life. But, we all make mistakes with how we value our friends! Especially when we're young! These two obviously learned a lot. I'm sad Makoto had to go through this, but I think he got great friends out of it in the process.
> 
> Where is ReiGisa/NagiRei you ask? In my head, I think they always kept in touch with Makoto and watched over him. But, they're younger than him and I don't think they can do as much to help him. As for Nagisa's big mouth not reaching Haru, I think Makoto would have kept quiet about the exact details of him and Sousuke's break-up. So not much to tell? One day I'll play with them as well.
> 
> As far as the odd warmth descriptions go, the main difference I was getting at is that it's SO DAMN HARD to get out of bed on cold mornings. And then it feels horrible, like you've lost a piece of yourself or your brain is not all there, or you're super vulnerable.
> 
> I think that feeling is very different from the one you experience in comfortably warm situations, so that's what I was getting at. The warmth he began to seek in the middle was unhealthy. I think it's parallel to depression, and I wanted to use the imagery to represent that.
> 
> On that note, by the way, I do think that there are cases where there is a lot of hurt behind depression, and most of those feelings are hard to admit etc. So I wanted to see Makoto work through them and let go of them! Every situation is different though, but I found that this work was really fun in that way (for me).
> 
> Anyways, it ends here. As far as Reiichi and Akira go, I don't think they'll get together for now. I think they enjoy watching Makoto. I also see Akira throwing some irresponsible passes at Haru, and Haru playing along to tease Rin. *such devils*
> 
> Reiichi is so stoic and confident, but he's also really mature. I think he sees Akira as an equal, but I also think that's why they'd be a bad match. I think if Reiichi was to take someone playful and irresponsible, it couldn't be someone he's learned to respect as much as he does Akira. It would have to be someone younger that needed to be looked after more.
> 
> I think Akira might like Reiichi though... Good luck!! (Maybe I'll write something about them and post it on Tumblr.)
> 
> As usual, comments, thoughts, critiques, anon hate all welcome! :)
> 
> preferably none of the last


	10. Truffles and Kisses

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> SouMako Christmas update + working through relationship kinks

And before he knew it, it was cold again. The kind of cold that made getting out of the snuggly warm embrace of your lover that much harder. The kind that made you late to work, and had you racing home as soon as possible. Blankets were a new kind of best friend, what with the combined warmth of two bodies being a most precious resource.

Sometimes they also meant insecurity. Anxiety at the happiness and a tugging worry that it wouldn't last. That it would all fall apart before he would know how to respond and he'd be left alone again—the world barren and his heart unable to keep going.

At times like these, tears would brim his eyes and he'd squeeze whatever part of Sousuke was nearest to him. To assure himself that this was real, that Sousuke was here.

。。。

Sousuke had noticed it. In the happiest moments, the most blissful ones, for a few seconds, Makoto would zone out and squeeze Sousuke wherever they were touching. Sousuke knew what it was. Makoto needed a reminder, he needed to fend off his anxiety. He needed to feel Sousuke there.

And each time, Sousuke would be at a complete loss. They were happily back together, and yet there was no escaping the fact that he'd broken some things. He'd injected the constant fear of an end into their relationship, and Makoto was suffering the consequences.

。。。

It had been so many winters alone that Makoto had stopped keeping track of the holidays. There had been a time where he had had to purposely erase the existence of Christmas from his mind, because every reminder of it sent him back to a time when Sousuke had celebrated with him, specifically to a Christmas he'd gifted him a promise ring. It had been the second Christmas they'd been together and Makoto had been ecstatic. For days to come, that would be the happiest day of his life. He used to look at the ring and think of Sousuke. It always made him beam with love and blush, and of course, float on into his own world.

So with the breakup, both the ring and Christmas had become unbearable. For a long time he'd wondered why couples chose to do important things on a day celebrated by everyone. It was like setting a timer for reminder and heartache. When the first six months of misery after their breakup had passed, Makoto had tossed the ring. It had been one of the things he'd held on to in hopes that Sousuke would return. Sometimes he'd fancied that if Sousuke returned he would show him that ring as a token of how much he'd trusted Sousuke and how much he'd held on to in the name of their relationship. It was Makoto's little sign that he hadn't given up on them.

And yet the day had come when he'd had to throw it away. And so he had.

。。。

Christmas was near and Sousuke watched Makoto with anticipation. It was their first Christmas as a couple again, and since they'd always celebrated it before, he was hoping for some sort of excitement from Makoto. When Makoto showed none, he tried to bring it up casually. He asked what Makoto's end of the year plans were, whether he had scheduled any days off, and whether he was going home for New Year's—all of which had been met with rather distracted half-baked answers.

Makoto simply wasn't thinking about it, and Sousuke wasn't sure whether or not he was hurt by that or not.

The other thing he was feeling conflicted about was the lack of the presence of a certain ring, anywhere in the house. He hadn't wanted to mention it directly, but he'd looked in all of the relevant places. He knew where Makoto kept things that were important to him and where he stored his mementos, but there wasn't a sign of it anywhere. Instead there were a pile of souvenirs from day trips taken with his two ex-boyfriends and this all pissed Sousuke off. He knew he had to take things in stride, but he couldn't tell if this had gone too far yet. How much was he supposed to take before he could feel hurt?

Regardless of all of these facts, he sucked it up and somehow got Makoto to get both the night Christmas Eve and Christmas day off. He suspected there was a lot of winning back he had to do, and he wanted to do it as soon as he could. He couldn't rest until things were some semblance of the same as they had been before.

。。。

When Makoto was on his way home that evening, he couldn't understand the subtle unrest in his gut. He was nervous, anxious. As if something was happening around him and he wasn't noticing it.

The mystery solved itself when he got into his apartment.

The place had been cleaned and decorated and food was spread on the table. Aside from cake and fried chicken, all of Makoto's favorites were there. Near the couch was a neat spread of red wine and what looked like a box of chocolates.

Sousuke had heard him entering and nervously made his way to the door. He'd gone through a lot of trouble and he wanted to see that it had made his lover happy. When he caught a glimpse of Makoto's face though, his heart dropped to the bottom of his stomach.

Makoto looked uncomfortable to say the least. When Sousuke came into view he forced a smile.

"Wow, it's Christmas!" he laughed shyly. "I can't believe I forgot. This is beautiful. Thank you!"

With that he moved towards Sousuke to give him a kiss, but the peck that resulted left Sousuke feeling more awkward. It was obvious that Makoto wasn't exactly floored, and Sousuke felt horrible.

"Hey, look I'm sorry, I didn't know you didn't want to do Christmas. We can just put everything away."

"What? No! I'm.. I'm just surprised. It's been a really long time since we've had one of these." Makoto looked at Sousuke. "I'm happy, it's nice to be able to spend tonight with you."

Sousuke wasn't quite convinced so they ate their dinner in relative silence. He imagined that Makoto hadn't prepared anything for him, and that bummed him out as well. But even regardless of that, he wanted to treat Makoto as special to him that night.

。。。

After putting away the leftovers from dinner, the two found themselves on the couch. It was actually a little more like Sousuke had coaxed them on to the couch even though Makoto had tried to escape it, but Sousuke was trying not to sweat the small things that night.

"This wine is really good, it's something I tried in America once. California wines are surprisingly amazing."

"O-oh, is that so?" Makoto was always shaken when Sousuke recounted details from his adventures abroad. For a time that was so miserable for him, Sousuke seemed to have been able to enjoy it well enough. It woke something ugly inside of Makoto, but he always tried to ignore it. He was trying to escape the current situation when it struck him that alcohol usually accomplished that quite well. "Well let's give it a taste!"

Makoto shot a sweet smile over to Sousuke and felt a little guilty when he could see Sousuke's face perk up at Makoto's enthusiasm.

It was clear what Sousuke had on mind as he started feathering kisses on Makoto's neck and jaws after pouring his drink.

"H-hey, I'm going to drop my drink."

"Mmm, just put it down for now."

Makoto put the drink down, more out of worry for the furniture than anything else, and began to respond to Sousuke's kisses. Alcohol wasn't the only escape if he thought about it. If Sousuke fucked the lights out of him today just like any other day, then he'd be able to ignore the significance of being together and altogether avoid the intimacy that he probably wasn't ever going to be ready for.

To speed up the process he pushed Sousuke back into the couch and got onto his knees. As he unzipped Sousuke's pants and began mouthing at his underwear, Sousuke pushed his shoulders back to create distance between Makoto's face and his crotch. Makoto looked up at him inquisitively and Sousuke's face betrayed his dismay.

"I don't want to do it like this tonight." Makoto could tell Sousuke was referring to the lack of intimacy in their love-making. After their first night together, a deep fear had set into Makoto's heart and he'd tried to escape sex by closing off his heart. Sousuke had felt it, but had also supposed that it was just something he couldn't ask for every time. Nonetheless, he'd still thought that they'd have some intimate moments. But they weren't having any, and it was one of the many needles, pricking Sousuke again and again. "Come up here."

With that Sousuke moved Makoto back on to the couch, and notably underneath him.

"I brought some of your favorite truffles. Do you remember these?"

Makoto was feeling uncomfortable again, but he didn't want to upset Sousuke. He knew the other had put in a lot of work to make the night as beautiful as it had been, and he also didn't want what he considered his personal issues to come in between them.

"Yeah, I haven't had them in ages." He looked up at Sousuke and smiled.

Sousuke smiled back and popped one into his mouth.

"Yeah? Well I think one we share will taste that much better don't you?"

Before Makoto could express disagreement, Sousuke's mouth was on his own, hot chocolate melting with the heat of their mouths. Chocolate sharing kisses involved a certain level of participation from both parties, and the thought of kissing Sousuke so thoroughly was slightly repulsive to Makoto. It felt all too open, too vulnerable, and before he knew it, he could feel himself trying to calm his heartbeat for more undesirable reasons. He wasn't feeling loved, he was feeling violated—all too exposed and not quite ready for it.

"S-stop, Sousuke, no—please."

That's when he felt the cold glint of metal against the skin of his left hand and he froze. When he looked up at Sousuke, watching him expectantly, he couldn't control himself anymore. It was hard to believe that any of the love and adoration was real—that any of it was going to last, and a redo of a once broken promise was enough to break Makoto's thinly held together facade.

He pushed Sousuke off of him, took the new ring off and promptly burst into tears. Sousuke could very patently tell that these were not tears of happiness and that regardless of all of his efforts, the evening had descended into hell. He couldn't help but be angry.

"I can tell you're not happy with the Christmas dinner, but you don't want to accept my present either? I even got us both new ones because I have no idea what you did with your old one.."

Makoto could hear the anger brimming in Sousuke's voice, and though it made him sad, it also annoyed him.

"What was I supposed to do with it? Keep it and have it remind me of everything that I thought I'd had? Everything that I'd lost with no power to do anything about it? Was I supposed to have kept it till the day you came back to me so I could show you how much I cherished it as a keepsake from you?"

Makoto spoke through tears, but he was shaking quite noticeably.

"And, yes, I didn't forget. You gave it to me on Christmas. As if you were promising that we'd spend the rest of our lives together... So years after you left I had to pretend that Christmas didn't exist, that there weren't tons of people rushing home to celebrate their families and lovers, because I had nothing.

And no I haven't had those truffles since you left. Call me sentimental, but I couldn't handle reminders of you and so I took them all out of my life. I forced myself to forget everything about us, okay? I'm sorry. I'm old and I'm broken. I'm not the same boy you loved anymore... And I don't blame you if you leave me."

With the last of his words Makoto had started full on sobbing and shaking and choking on his tears.

Sousuke, on the other hand, was at a complete loss. Whenever he was made to realize the sheer amount of damage he'd done, he fell into fits of self-hate and absolute fury. Nothing in the world could have justified what he'd done to Makoto, and yet he'd done it. At the same time, would it be impossible for Makoto to cooperate? Was he thinking about Sousuke's feelings at all? These outbursts hurt Sousuke deeply, and he didn't know how many more of them he'd be able to take.

He decided this was one situation he was going to walk away from. If Makoto wasn't willing to accept a new chapter in their relationship, it meant that there was no point to their being together. He was about to get up to walk away when Makoto spoke with a small voice.

"But I kept it."

"What?"

"I kept it... I threw out everything... Clothes.. cups... furniture.. But when it came time to toss that ring, I couldn't do it. I tried and tried." He was interrupted by a fresh burst of tears. "I tried to toss it out, I tried to lose it... nothing worked. So I hid it... in this sofa actually. It's so stupid."

Makoto ran his fingers along the inside curve of the cushions until he felt the metallic smoothness of the ring. As he pulled it out, he looked up at Sousuke.

"I kept it. I kept it as a memento of you and I waited and dreamed of the day you'd come back to me so I could show it to you. I loved you so much, I haven't been able to forget it for a single day."

Sousuke felt horrible. He was the worst lover to have hurt Makoto so badly, and yet Makoto had held onto his faith in him in the sweetest of ways. He, himself, felt at the verge of tears.

"I'm so sorry."

After a long pause, he blushed and took Makoto's hands into his own before speaking again.

"But is it okay if I'm very happy."

Makoto looked into Sousuke's eyes before grinning slightly.

"You better be."

Sousuke fingered at the ring in Makoto's hands.

"I know I messed up a lot. But can I promise you that I'll stay with you for the rest of my life and put this on again?"

Makoto looked down at their touching hands.

"This time I want a promise in words, and then you can."

At this, Sousuke pulled Makoto into an embrace and kissed him tenderly. Shortly after their shared kiss he whispered his promise into Makoto's ear.

Makoto turned red in the face before breathing a quiet and breathless, "Yes."

。。。

After they had each put their rings on, they spent the night and the next day sweetly tangled in each other's arms.

When Sousuke woke from hunger, he couldn't help but admire the beautiful, naked boy sprawled on the bed next to him. His cheeks were tinted pink and his body was radiating heat and wanton sexiness. It was the most enchanting mixture of sweetness and raw sexual appeal. Sousuke smirked to himself.

"Just like a bride on her first night."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeeeeeep.... I couldn't resist. This fic is *complete*, but I guess I'll be updating from time to time to when I feel like writing these two tortured lovebirds.
> 
> Poor Makoto. I guess I wanted to approach the angle where things are not all happiness and rainbows just because they're back together. They have to work hard! C:
> 
> as usual comments/critiques welcome C:
> 
> ((My dumbass says it's complete here and yet there's an 11th chapter -__-))


	11. No! Don't!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ""You're avoiding me."
> 
> There was a pause as Makoto stared blankly at the laptop screen. Then he shut the laptop and turned to face Sousuke. "Can we stop bringing this up. I'm not sure what you're noticing, but you've been obsessed with it lately and I don't want to hear about it anymore."
> 
> Sousuke felt the heat rising to his face. This wasn't fair. He didn't need to be forced to feel this way. It was as if there was a perpetual distance between them and no matter what he did he couldn't get Makoto to acknowledge it, let alone cross it."

Sousuke watched Makoto intently as they lay on their bed watching a movie on Sousuke's laptop. Makoto lay unassumingly, a few feet away from Sousuke, his attention turned completely to the pictures on the screen, but Sousuke felt a little bit irate.

"Makoto."

"Hm."

"You're doing it again."

"Doing what?"

"You're avoiding me."

There was a pause as Makoto stared blankly at the laptop screen. Then he shut the laptop and turned to face Sousuke. "Can we stop bringing this up. I'm not sure what you're noticing, but you've been obsessed with it lately and I don't want to hear about it anymore."

Sousuke felt the heat rising to his face. This wasn't fair. He didn't need to be forced to feel this way. It was as if there was a perpetual distance between them and no matter what he did he couldn't get Makoto to acknowledge it, let alone cross it.

His voice had a steely edge as he spoke.

"Don't pretend like it's nothing. I thought we were going to be okay. I thought we were getting better. But you just keep getting farther and farther away."

"Oh that's really something coming from someone who knows exactly how to get farther and farther away isn't it."

There was a silence and Makoto could feel it in the air that he'd taken it too far.

Sousuke on the other hand felt a huge lump in his throat, a heat rising in his chest, and anger pounding in his veins. When his voice finally came out, it was eerily calm.

"What more can I do for you?"

There was more silence.

"I've done everything I can and you still won't meet me halfway."

This time Sousuke had slipped up and it was Makoto's turn to be angry.

"Meet you halfway? I'd believe I can very reasonably say that I'm meeting you more than halfway what with all you've done."

And Sousuke couldn't think of anything to say in response. He didn't have any answer. He never did. And not having a single shred of defense was grating at him more than anything else these days.

There was a tension between them. A heaviness that made it hard to take a deep breath, a tightness that refused to let them calm down. The way that they'd been at each other's throats was only a testament to how much grief there was between them. And yet neither would ever suggest breaking up. It had become very clear to both of them that they'd rather kill each other slowly than be apart, and as unhealthy as that sounded both of them knew the reality of what had transpired between them. To love so much was sometimes to destroy and they were slowly destroying each other, neither being able to see how to make it better.

Sousuke sat dejectedly. The slump of his shoulders pricked needles at Makoto's heart and he couldn't quite bring himself to stay angry. He moved first, clumsily tossing himself into into Sousuke's unready embrace. As he felt arms weakly curl around him, and let out a sigh before he spoke.

"I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize."

"No, I know it's me."

"But it's my fault."

"We were both at fault."

"But that doesn't matter now. Dishing out blame isn't going to fix it."

"Is nothing going to fix it?" Sousuke's voice caught and the nervousness between them, the sheer volatility of the situation pronounced itself. "Are we over?"

Makoto's face crumpled and Sousuke immediately wanted to take back what he'd said. He laid Makoto down and kissed his lips.

Makoto whimpered against Sousuke's lips as he tried to gather himself to respond. "D-don't. Don't say that anymore."

Sousuke continued to kiss Makoto, who's cheeks had reddened though his face was full of desperation.

"I won't say things like that anymore."

There was a long silence as the two kissed, Makoto lying limply underneath Sousuke, exhausted, and resigned to wherever Sousuke wanted to take them.

"I won't run anymore."

And they both understood what that meant, as if it was the acknowledgement Sousuke had been waiting for and Makoto had been refusing to give.

Sousuke responded by deepening their kisses in a promise only they understood, and Makoto kissed back as if to accept it completely. He wasn't going to run. And that meant he was going to kiss without abandon this man he'd thought he'd never get to kiss again. And he was going to wrap his legs around him to squeeze their bodies flush against each other while running his hands down the broad muscular back he'd dreamed about for years, and he'd take in the scent he used to often faintly remember—as if it was a sensory memory—every morning he'd woken up alone.

All those things were here, in this moment with him, and he had to learn to stay in the present. He knew he was scared to death of the happiness this could bring him, and at the same time he needed to focus on accepting it with everything he had.

As Makoto tried to put all of his focus into the act he was engaging in, Sousuke had managed to get both of their clothes off. He was kissing tiny marks onto Makoto's abdomen, trailing kisses down his body, spreading Makoto's legs and nibbling at his inner thighs. The anticipation was filling Makoto with pleasure and anxiety. It felt so good and yet he felt scared. Extremely scared, as if something was going to burst inside of his body.

He'd paid way too much attention and the brush of Sousuke's hair against his skin, the feel of his warm tongue, the strength of his hands were sending waves of pleasure and alternatively pangs of fear through his body. Every time he felt good, he was reminded that much more about how he'd felt horrible. Hopeless. Despondent.

Sousuke had noticed the look of panic slowly taking hold of Makoto's face—a face he'd never seen before—and it quickly concerned him enough to pause what he was doing in order to move up to wrap his arms around his boyfriend.

"Hey..." his voice was raspy from the kisses and arousal, but he was trying his best to be calm. "Baby."

Makoto let himself be held in Sousuke's arms, but the tension hadn't disappeared. His body was stiff, and Sousuke could tell that whatever emotions he was having were winding him up tightly.

"Makoto." Sousuke whispered into Makoto's ear and the boy relaxed under the feel of his breath.

Sousuke kissed Makoto's shoulder, and then moved on shortly to his neck.

"What's wrong...? Are you going to be okay?"

Makoto whimpered in response, but nuzzled himself closer into Sousuke, as if to tell him to continue.

Sousuke didn't need to be asked twice, as he took the opportunity to intertwine their fingers and pull Makoto's hands over his head. He kissed Makoto's lips and bit at his throat as he slowly plunged himself into Makoto's body, taking care to wait for the boy to accept him. As he entered, Makoto's body shivered slightly, and Sousuke felt the need to hold on closer, to entirely envelop Makoto in his body heat.

As he did this, the clutch of Makoto's hands on his own tightened, and Makoto shuddered. At first Makoto gasped and Sousuke took it as a good sign, but the gasp was followed shortly by some sniffles and Sousuke's heart sank as he realized that Makoto had begun to cry in their embrace.

Sousuke stilled himself as much as possible, not extricating his own hands from Makoto's. He sighed into Makoto's body, letting his weight fall a little more heavily onto his shivering lover.

"Makoto..."

There were some more light sobs and Sousuke could tell Makoto was trying to calm himself down in a hurry.

"Hey, don't worry."

Makoto only sniffled in response, as his chest began to heave more noticeably.

"You can cry it all out. That's what I'm here for." Sousuke paused. The sad, pitiful boy that lay in his arms, shivering and shaking as he tried to catch his breath, was just so dear to him. Sousuke couldn't help but place a tentative kiss onto Makoto's forehead. "You can cry all you want in my arms."

The sobbing heightened at this and Makoto wrenched his hands out of Sousuke's grip and threw his arms around his back.

"Nnn... nngh. Sorry."

"Don't apologize."

"No. No. Sousuke I'm so sorry."

"Makoto you have nothing to apologize for." Sousuke wasn't sure about what was going on, so he chose to respond by gently rocking Makoto in his arms.

"Sousuke I love you so much."

Makoto was trying to catch his breath now, though he showed very little signs of calming down.

"Sousuke... Tell me you love me. Tell me you're never going to leave me."

"I—" Sousuke's voice broke as he attempted to speak. He'd been calmer than Makoto so he hadn't realized exactly how panicked he himself was feeling. He quickly took a breath to gather himself and spoke again. "I love you Makoto. I already told you. I already promised I'd never leave you."

"Nngh. But I have to hear it again and again."

Makoto sniffled and pulled Sousuke's body tightly into his own.

"I'm needy. And angry. And so sad. I'm too much for you. You'll get tired one day and leave me..." The words were punctuated by hiccups and Sousuke could tell, by Makoto's grip on him, exactly how scared Makoto was feeling.

"I can't ever make up for putting you through this Makoto. But I love you. Believe me."

Makoto seemingly wasn't listening as he continued his own thoughts.

"You were away for a long time... Hic.. And you saw a lot of things, and probably changed a lot."

Sousuke wanted to interject here seeing as Makoto had evidently seen plenty of things himself.

"But thank you for coming back to me."

Sousuke was shocked silent by this. As he held Makoto's sobbing figure in his arms, he couldn't help but feel extremely overwhelmed by his feelings for the boy sweetly confessing his feelings to him. Sousuke was dazed in reverie and couldn't help but nuzzle his face into Makoto's neck. Makoto responded by loosening his grip on Sousuke's body and running his hands through Sousuke's hair.

"I waited."

There was a silence.

"I never forgot about you. Every single day I thought about how it had been when I was together with you."

"I know."

"And I always tell you I'm needy, but it's not like that.

It's more like... It's more like you could leave me again and I'd still wait for you. I'd wait years.

Or maybe my whole life.

But the thought of that makes me so scared."

"But I'm not going to leave you."

There was a heavy intake of breath as Makoto half chuckled and half sobbed in response.

"I'm trying to believe that..."

And just like that a look of resignation washed over Makoto's face, and Sousuke panicked as it did. They'd had a good thing going. It was this kind of pain that came back and ruined it every time. How was he supposed to gain back the trust he'd lost? What could he possibly do?

"Makoto, don't do this. Makoto you're leaving me again." Sousuke couldn't hide the urgency in his voice. "You said you wouldn't run away! Tell me what I can do Makoto."

Makoto absentmindedly ran his hands up and down Sousuke's back as he zoned out of the situation. He was exhausted. He couldn't continue with these emotionally taxing things. He was still joined with Sousuke, but the feeling had long grown dull as Sousuke had softened slightly in his panic.

And he would have stayed in his daze had he not been snapped out of it by the feeling of warm trickles falling on his cheeks from where Sousuke was looking down at him.

"Don't leave me, Makoto. I'm an idiot, but if you say you'd wait a lifetime don't you think I'd do the same? And I am waiting for you." Sousuke was crying much in the way he had been when they'd first reunited. Makoto hadn't wanted to admit it at that time, but Sousuke's tears were beautiful. His teal eyes reflected them clearly and his face crumpled into a pout that reminded Makoto of a boisterous young boy. Sousuke's tears were honest. Rare, but honestly reflective of what he was feeling. And they were unashamed. Sousuke didn't try to hide that he couldn't hold back his tears. He hadn't then, and he wasn't now. Makoto could see every ounce of panic in his heart, all of the fear, and insecurity and for once something clicked.

And it had clicked for a very short second, but it clicked long enough for Makoto to realize he'd been wrong. That he was wrong. That he was being horrible.

Sousuke had left him for a few years. Makoto knew he'd been wrong. But now, if after they'd finally reconciled, if Makoto was going to put him through hell now, how was what he was doing any different. He hadn't realized it and yet a slight wish to make Sousuke understand how he'd felt had subconsciously seeped into his behaviors. Yes he was scared. But being scared didn't mean that he had to be emotionally unavailable—that he had to sacrifice his relationship in order to pacify his fears. He was wrong to think that Sousuke deserved to take anything he did because he'd made him the way he was. It simply wasn't true.

Sousuke had broken his heart, but the things that came after had all been Makoto's choices. Of course he hadn't needed to accept Sousuke when he'd come back, but when he had accepted him he hadn't done it for a chance to get revenge. This was a man he was in love with.

"I'm sorry." Makoto managed to choke out.

Sousuke was completely in tears but he managed to calm down enough to speak.

"Don't apologize to me. I've ruined so many things for you. I hurt you so badly. You should hate me."

Makoto's eyes widened at the mess he'd made of Sousuke. He wanted to speak but Sousuke continued.

"But I want you to love me. I know you're a different person now. I know you don't feel safe with me. But I can't help but want to be loved by the same boy who used to love me so much."

Sousuke was trying to keep from breaking down any further and Makoto could tell that if he'd ever wanted to make Sousuke understand the despair he had felt, he'd probably succeeded.

"Makoto...

Makoto, Makoto, Makoto.

I'm so sorry. But please love me again. Please Makoto.

I know you're not the same, a-and I know you love me in your own way right now, but Makoto please come back to me."

For the first time in a long time, something that had been latent inside of Makoto was waking again. What he'd remembered of their relationship mostly consisted of the hurt he'd felt at the absence of his partner. What he'd long forgotten was why he'd fallen in love.

And it had been this.

He wasn't going to mistaken use for love, but he'd fallen in love with Sousuke because Sousuke had always been unabashedly raw in front of Makoto. He'd never hesitated to show him all his weaknesses and had always noticed what Makoto did for his sake. And maybe it had become too much for them to keep up when they'd been young, but his return was a testament to the fact that he'd always understood. That he'd understood that it wasn't that he'd needed Makoto, but rather that he'd wanted him. He would have been fine in a world full of people who kept their distance, who took what they needed, who broke what they didn't care about—and in the midst of all of that, he'd met Makoto. Sweet, sweet Makoto who knew how to give, who knew how to care.

And for Makoto, Sousuke had always somehow given Makoto what no one else had realized he'd wanted. He'd notice the little things that Makoto did, he'd fallen for his caring soul, and he'd loved Makoto, for the first time, more than anyone had ever loved him before. Maybe even more than Makoto had loved him in return. Sousuke had been the first to reciprocate the feelings Makoto put into his relationships.

He'd been the very first person to recognize Makoto for who he was. To learn about what hurt him and what he liked—to care enough to do so. And as Makoto remembered these things, he remembered why their break up had hurt him so much, why he'd retreated into a shell and completely given up on the things that Sousuke had loved about him—because he'd been irreparably hurt by the first person who'd bothered to love him back.

And he realized that who he'd been wasn't at fault for what had happened between them. His softness wasn't the reason he'd been hurt. And that being hurt didn't mean he had to become harsh. He could still love, even if it risked being hurt by it because all of the people he'd loved had unabashedly returned to him. And they hadn't come back to him because he was mean and cold. They'd come back because they remembered what his warmth felt like, because they recognized how valuable his love—how valuable he had been in their lives.

And he knew he trusted they'd come back because most of all they loved him.

"Sousuke." Makoto whispered Sousuke's name as saying it after his current revelation made his stomach fill with butterflies. He was suddenly aware of their position, and that they'd blithely been having sex while arguing and crying over each other like idiots. It was a moment of clarity for him, and through it he could remember the feelings only Sousuke gave him. He could feel the excitement he used to feel when his lover would dote on him—he could remember how stupidly happy he felt in the other's company. And as he remembered these things he felt a deep hurt in his chest. He had been making them miserable.

Makoto gingerly lifted his arms so as to wrap them around Sousuke's body. His love—big and confident—felt so small in his arms. So beloved. Makoto could tell Sousuke still wasn't feeling okay yet, and he felt another emotion he hadn't felt in years.

Protective.

He felt extremely protective of the man huddled in his arms, and he also felt more concern than he'd felt in years put together.

"Sousuke..." Makoto sang a little into Sousuke's ears. "Hey~ come on, don't give me the silent treatment."

"But you're mad at me."

"I'm not... I'm not mad anymore." After a pause Makoto continued to speak. "Hey, how long do you think you can be buried inside me like this and make me wait?"

Sousuke's ears reddened at that sudden reminder.

"Don't distract me with sex, you've become a pro at—" And what Sousuke saw when he happened to woefully look up at surprised him into forgetting the rest of his sentence.

For the first time since he'd returned, he was gazing at the Makoto he'd wanted to see for years. A Makoto with a slight blush and upturned eyebrows, and the smallest smile lighting up his face. His angel. The Makoto that exuded love and caring and softness.

It took Sousuke's breath away.

"Ma-makoto...?! Wh-what...what's this...?"

Makoto grinned a little wider and pulled Sousuke into a soft and playful kiss. Nothing overtly sexual but rather entirely warm—happy even.

"I just remembered a few things... maybe."

The surprise and awe on Sousuke's face wasn't waning anytime soon so Makoto continued to talk.

"Kind of like about why I love you so much... Now, how long you gonna tease me handsome?" Makoto winked at Sousuke as he wrapped his legs around Sousuke's back and pulled him in.

Sousuke couldn't help but shiver in reaction, but could help even less that he was raring to go. He hadn't seen this Makoto who gave himself so freely, who asked for what he wanted so easily, in so many years. There was no way for him to hold back.

Yet after one short and overly excited round full of desperate I love you's and cries for more, Sousuke couldn't help but be way more interested in spending some time intimately basking in Makoto's warmth.

Makoto felt more than happy to comply. His chest felt light, his cheeks felt hot. He felt for the first time like he'd remembered what it felt like to maybe be happy again. Like really happy. And he was perfectly aware of Sousuke's puppy-like reverence of his current mood. It saddened him a little that his boyfriend had become so desperate for his love and he wondered anxiously about how long he could keep this state up. How long he'd be able to maintain this euphoria of happiness before the irritation and depression set in again, and yet he also felt like that he had achieved it all was an obvious sign. Things were improving. He was getting better. And he felt that he could trust that one day he'd make it through. That maybe one day he'd learn to let go of the hurt completely and learn to be honestly happy again. He believed he could do it. Because Sousuke was back, and Makoto could trust that his presence would draw out everything that was beautiful again. Because that's what it meant to him to love.

And it hadn't come at the price of self-sacrifice. Instead, it felt more like coming into his own again. He'd taken a detour. He'd learned all about hateful feelings and closing himself off. He knew what that was good for. But he also knew he didn't want to live like that. And he didn't have to. His softness was his own choice.

How he chose to live from that day onwards, how he chose to deal with the pain that came with his life experiences—this had been one long lesson for him. And slowly coming out of it, if there was one thing he realized it was that for all the love he'd given, he'd given because he'd wanted to. Because giving his love to those he loved was what made him happy.

And now he was going to chase his happiness with Sousuke, which meant that he was going to learn to let himself be happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay maybe some closure? I've written it for now but I might come back and do some major edits. This is it for the most part. c: thoughts and bdsm always welcome. I hope Makoto's change isn't too jarring. I kind of am of the opinion that those kinds of things happen suddenly. Like one day life is just different and you can't remember how you thought of it before. So I was sort of channeling that a little bit.


	12. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And he'd faint a little because he'd understand right away how much Sousuke and all of his efforts and all of his love meant to him.

It was Friday, and a long awaited one at that. Sousuke had finally settled into his job, and though he got to spend quite a bit of time with Makoto when they were both at home, he was gravely unsatisfied with how much time he was really getting with Makoto.

Sousuke could sense something changing as their lives progressed. Hissy fits were now fewer and much father in between and though Makoto was still touchy about a lot of things Sousuke could appreciate it. It was like getting to know a slightly cattier version of Makoto. Affectionate but prickly. And the situation at hand could be explained in no other way, as a pouting Makoto lay decidedly part way on top of Sousuke who was sprawled across the floor in an effort to find a comfortable movie watching position. The pose wasn't any different from usual, but the audience was. Akira and Reiichi were huddled on the couch, pretending as if they owned the place—and Makoto was letting them own it.

Sousuke had been visibly annoyed at intrusion and Makoto now seemed visibly annoyed at Sousuke's annoyance. A random comedy played awkwardly in the background as the four rather large men watched each other. The silence wasn't quite unbearable, but it was quietly uncomfortable. Sousuke wanted to squirm, but was perfectly unable to underneath Makoto's weight. He was jogging his mind to come up with something so as to escape the uncomfortable room, but it felt as if Makoto's weight had zapped him of his thoughts and he was just distracted enough to only be able to feel really awkward.

。。。

"I'm pregnant."

The silence continued as the three of the four men tried to make sure that they'd heard something and what they'd heard had actually been what they thought they'd heard.

Makoto shifted first, so as to look directly into the eyes of the man who'd spoken.

"Who's baby is it??!"

"Reiichi's of course."

Reiichi and Sousuke had no time to compare notes as to what was going on before Reiichi had grabbed Akira into a formidable bear hug.

"Don't joke like that, or I'll really make you pregnant."

"Dooooeeeet!"

Sousuke looked at Makoto seriously as Makoto's face shone with new understanding.

"Don't believe shit like that so easily stupid! You're supposed to laugh and call him out on his bullshit."

Makoto was silent for a few seconds before smiling ruefully. A few more seconds passed before he leaned into Sousuke's chest and spoke.

"But wouldn't it be nice. I think about it all the time. About how nice it would be if I could have your baby..."

Sousuke's reaction was almost instinctual as he gathered Makoto into his arms and buried his face into Makoto's neck.

"Don't say stuff like that, you'll make me cry." And it was a little too late for that statement because everyone in the room could hear the crack in Sousuke's voice and the pain that was betrayed by it.

Makoto sniffed a little and then let out a heavy, breathy chuckle before hugging Sousuke back. "Stop being a big baby, I have more than enough with just having you."

The look Makoto gave Sousuke then must have said a thousand words because Akira jumped into Reiichi's lap and buried his own face into Reiichi's chest. Half seriously and half melodramatically he sobbed. "We were so right about giving him back. Look how happy he is."

Uncharacteristically, Reiichi let out a chuckle. "Yeah, this is the cutest I've seen him yet. Let's get outta here Aki."

。。。

When they finally got to bed that night, Sousuke was pensive. When he'd let go of Makoto embrace he'd realized that the two intruders had tactfully excused themselves, and yet he couldn't feel comfortable being alone with just Makoto. Not with what all he had on his mind now. He couldn't help but be incredulous at how mature Makoto was about some things.

It wasn't that the thought of having a baby hadn't occurred to Sousuke. What hadn't occurred to him was how Makoto might want the same. And knowing that he wasn't alone—that Makoto also dreamed of them having a child together—and also knowing that they could never have one was heart breaking to him. How long had it been on Makoto's mind? Did Makoto want a boy or a girl? Would he be the type of father to spoil his children or be strict?

Thinking of caring, loving Makoto as a father and thinking of how he could never actually be one hurt Sousuke more than anything he knew could. Adoption was almost impossible for them, considering the amount of social stigma around their relationship and Sousuke cursed that Makoto hadn't met some woman after they'd broken up. Cursed that Makoto hadn't had a child without him—a child that Sousuke would have loved as his own whether Makoto would become his or not.

"What are you thinking about?"

Makoto's tone was playful, but not without an edge of caution. He could tell Sousuke was upset and he wanted to cheer him up.

"I'm thinking about what an amazing parent you'd make. And what our kids would look like... And how we'd argue over bringing them up..."

"Shhh."

Makoto rolled himself into Sousuke's body.

"You know I still teach lessons sometimes..."

There was a pause before Makoto spoke again.

"Why do you think that is? I mean I hated everything that reminded me of swimming when it took you away from me."

Makoto chuckled a bit.

"That doesn't sound like me at all... but why do you think that is?"

Sousuke didn't reply. He wasn't sure what an adequate reply would be and he was concerned that any confession from Makoto regarding how much he wanted kids was only going to make him sadder.

"Well, I thought maybe one day—since I can't have kids you know—well... maybe one day, I'd want to have my own little place. A swim school, run by me and my boyfriend. In my fantasy I would pretend I wasn't hoping you were going to come back. So my boyfriend who was the complete and total opposite of you. And we'd just live our lives day to day, teaching new little babies how to swim and maybe helping out some high school teams eventually like Coach Sasabe did."

There was a long pause before Makoto sighed a little.

"It just sounded nice you know. My little dream inside a desolate world."

Makoto hadn't realized it in his reminiscence, but Sousuke was holding tightly onto Makoto, and Makoto could feel a certain rapidness to his heartbeat. He let him stay like that, unsure of whether Sousuke was clinging out of hope or sadness. Makoto could only kiss him lightly on the forehead, and they both fell asleep like that with Makoto far more concerned about Sousuke's well-being than his old dream.

It wouldn't be until almost a year and a half later when Sousuke would show up with a key and the picture of a plot of land in a seaside town that Makoto would understand just how much that night had meant to Sousuke.

And he'd faint a little because he'd understand right away how much Sousuke and all of his efforts and all of his love meant to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AHhhhhsh  
> i got a little obsessed with this fic. Think of it as a work in progress though still I think. I'll probably go back and add middle chapters or something IDK
> 
> i like these two sooooo much
> 
> ((evidently I got a little overly obsessed. sighs looking at old work is so embarrassing. regardless, it's up... and I struggled through all the formatting. There may be some little things off just forgive me plz.))


End file.
